1. Marked by a lack of neatness or order; untidy: a sloppy room.
2. Marked by a lack of care or precision; slipshod: sloppy use of language.
3. Informal Oversentimental; gushy.
Sloppy humans are everywhere. And in America, we have the privilege of seeing them daily- even hourly or several times per minute if you're in the right location. I'm not just talking about fat people either- skinny people can also be slobs (i.e. Larry David). However, it is true that fat people exhibit more signs of sloppiness. For example, if you were to use a bathroom stall and notice that the person in the stall next to you had substantially worn-down shoes on the outer edge of the sole, you could with 95% accuracy predict that they were sloppy fat without seeing anything other than the outside of their shoe. If that same person with the worn down outer soles released excessive flatulence while taking care of business, you could then predict with 100% confidence that it was in fact a sloppy fat person in the stall next door.
Actually, this "fart theory" extends to many other circumstances in which slobs make their presence known. Here's a scenario: you're in a classroom walking to an open desk, and during the walk you pass through a "fart cloud". Judging by the area the fart was smelled, you limit the possible culprits to 5 or 6 individuals in the area. However, your life experience has led you to believe that the fattest person of the suspects is in fact the guilty party. And in the (unlikely) event that there are no fat people, your unconscious mind automatically associates the fart with whoever is the sloppiest in appearance. You can be satisfied that you've solved the mystery without much work at all, because the clues were already there. Anyhow- this is all tangential to my purpose here: to identify the sloppiest humans as these 3 definitions apply (see above to link the appropriate definition to the appropriate human).
1) Eddie Argos- Singer of the highly entertaining band Art Brut. See here
The fact that he's British only adds to the likelihood that he's a slob, but Eddie takes it to the next level. When I saw them play live, he had completely pitted out his shirt within seconds of the first song. He also had bare feet on stage and had passed over the top of several loops while attempting to secure his belt. Honorable mention in this category goes to Chunk and Sloth from the Goonies. Also deserving a shout out here is Larry David. Note the baggy jackets, clownish shoes, and general unkempt appearance.
2) Ozzy Osbourne. Drugs can do awesome things to people. A close second in this definition of sloppy is Kevin Costner's haphazard, careless effort in Prince of Thieves. Have you ever seen an interview with Quentin Tarantino? There's a skinny slob who is notable for his lightning fast, lisp-ridden rants.
3) Bill Walton, who also happens to be the worst commentator of any of the major sports. His hyperbole ("Shaq has restored order to the Universe") is matched only by his talent at sloppy, unconscious farting while sleeping on airplanes*. Runner up in this category is Roger Ebert, who hasn't given a single thumbs down review since sometime during Reagan's second term.
What do we learn from this? Slobs are often mesh-short wearing eyesores, but they also enrich our lives in many ways. If not for slobs, we wouldn't have Crazy-Train, Seinfeld, or Pulp Fiction. So the next time you cringe as you catch wind of a stale fart, just remember that they can't help it- they're just expressing themselves.
*This statement is based on actual events
Actually, this "fart theory" extends to many other circumstances in which slobs make their presence known. Here's a scenario: you're in a classroom walking to an open desk, and during the walk you pass through a "fart cloud". Judging by the area the fart was smelled, you limit the possible culprits to 5 or 6 individuals in the area. However, your life experience has led you to believe that the fattest person of the suspects is in fact the guilty party. And in the (unlikely) event that there are no fat people, your unconscious mind automatically associates the fart with whoever is the sloppiest in appearance. You can be satisfied that you've solved the mystery without much work at all, because the clues were already there. Anyhow- this is all tangential to my purpose here: to identify the sloppiest humans as these 3 definitions apply (see above to link the appropriate definition to the appropriate human).
1) Eddie Argos- Singer of the highly entertaining band Art Brut. See here
The fact that he's British only adds to the likelihood that he's a slob, but Eddie takes it to the next level. When I saw them play live, he had completely pitted out his shirt within seconds of the first song. He also had bare feet on stage and had passed over the top of several loops while attempting to secure his belt. Honorable mention in this category goes to Chunk and Sloth from the Goonies. Also deserving a shout out here is Larry David. Note the baggy jackets, clownish shoes, and general unkempt appearance.
2) Ozzy Osbourne. Drugs can do awesome things to people. A close second in this definition of sloppy is Kevin Costner's haphazard, careless effort in Prince of Thieves. Have you ever seen an interview with Quentin Tarantino? There's a skinny slob who is notable for his lightning fast, lisp-ridden rants.
3) Bill Walton, who also happens to be the worst commentator of any of the major sports. His hyperbole ("Shaq has restored order to the Universe") is matched only by his talent at sloppy, unconscious farting while sleeping on airplanes*. Runner up in this category is Roger Ebert, who hasn't given a single thumbs down review since sometime during Reagan's second term.
What do we learn from this? Slobs are often mesh-short wearing eyesores, but they also enrich our lives in many ways. If not for slobs, we wouldn't have Crazy-Train, Seinfeld, or Pulp Fiction. So the next time you cringe as you catch wind of a stale fart, just remember that they can't help it- they're just expressing themselves.
*This statement is based on actual events
If you're walking around in public and you need to fart, and you're worried that it's going to be stinky, just look for a #1 type sloppy person and let it go in his vicinity. People will assume it was him every time. Thanks sloppy fat slob!
ReplyDeleteFunny. Bill Walton spent a considerable time of his life in Portland which I have noticed houses the sloppiest and possibly ugliest people in the US. I don't think this is a coincidence.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Joel but this post is incomplete without any mention of one Jake Melzer
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you about my skywest co-workers. You can expect the following routine from any one of the obese, hunting enthusiast, clay walker loving, utah natives: 1) Greasy lubed fat finger in mouth to adjust dip/chew stuck between the gums and lip, 2) butt scratch. 3) Data entry with fat hand using community mouse..This is in the exact order it happens and there is no hand washing involved at any point in the day.
ReplyDeleteI was going to mention my friend's dad who constantly wore sweatpants with penny loafers. He always craved Necco Wafers and allegedly peed his pants in Titanic to avoid missing the titty scene.
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