Joel's Semi-Exhaustive Review of Soda Part 1

"Soda" is created when carbon dioxide is injected into a liquid. Known also as soft drinks, fountain drinks, soda pop, or just simply as "pop," whatever you want to call it- soda is delicious and is here to stay. No matter the occasion, soda hits the spot every time. One could be attending a funeral, taking a test, driving a hybrid, saving Darfur, meeting with a client, running a marathon, fighting a war, navigating a desert by foot or even just relaxing at home- it is always appropriate to pause for a gulp of the sweet stuff.

As "The Preacher" (the son of David- see Ecl. 3:1) wrote and the Byrds sang, "to every thing (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven," (cue jangly guitar riff). Long before David Crosby donated his own semen for the artificial impregnation of Melissa Etheridge's lady-partner; he was doing other rad stuff- like singing about Old-Testament proverbs. No doubt both Preacher and Crosby had one thing in mind in penning and crooning these wise words: soda.

Having recently fallen back off the proverbial soda-wagon after a 5 week hiatus, I hereby dedicate this post to reviewing various sodas (or sodii) and their respective seasons of enjoyment.

Larvae Stage: Children enjoy inferior foods. Kraft Single? You bet! Cold hot dogs? Delish! Creamy Peanut Butter? Hooray!! Soggy piece of bread that has been forgotten in the toddler's clamped hand for the last 45 minutes? Nummy!! I used to enjoy my favorite meal as a youngster which was prepared by following these simple steps:

1) Place one piece of white bread on microwavable plate
2) Place one slice of "Oscar-Meyer" baloney on white bread
3) Top off with an unwrapped kraft single
4) Microwave on high for 15-20 seconds (or until baloney "pops" and everything is disgusting)
5) Laugh at the popping sound- remove from microwave
6) Serve hot

I tell this story not just to explain why I did not grow to my full potential, but to illustrate that tastes change. Why should it be any different with sodas? Just as children enjoy filthy and disgusting foods, they are often found drinking disgusting sodas. In a recent poll of toddlers, these sodas were found most enjoyable:

67% preferred Orange Hi-C/Crush/Fanta
14% drew a faintly discernable horse/dinosaur
12% preferred Grape Soda
4% preferred anything generic (Dr. A+, anything from the "Shasta" soda collection)
3% wrote only "sippy cup"

These sodas should only be consumed by adults in exceptional occasions where there are no other options (coming late to a BBQ where the good drinks are gone, attending a church party, stealing from a roommate).

*It should be noted here that Sean Hetherington is tragically stuck in this food phase.

Akward Tween/Teen Phase: This phase is all about trying to impress the opposite sex and increase social standing amongst peers. As changes in the body are rampant, it can be a confusing time for these poor, troubled guys. Not suprisingly, they miss the mark a little here as well while trying to fit in and figure out their own tastes. This unfortunate group embraces 2 major sodas:

#1) Mountain Dew. Most teens prefer this beverage because of the "extreme" or "rebellious" stigma associated with it. While the taste is very similar to Sprite or 7up, teens won't be caught drinking those in public. Plus, the caffeine helps the teens wake up and get off to school, where they busily spend the day lying about sexual experiences, pretending not to be interested in any of their subjects, and complaining about their parents. Although they are hyper-sensitive to any comment, inadvertant glance, or suggestion- they must appear not to be. Some former teens that never fully adjust to adult life retain this beverage as a daily foodstuff. Among them are construction workers, computer programmers, gamers, rednecks, guitar center employees, and adult losers in general.

#2) Cherry Coke. The Teenage years are years for peaked consumption of fast food, and nothing tops off a horrible meal like this trashy soda. I admit, the immediate flavor is rewarding and full-bodied, but the aftertaste alone is not worth the temptation. Enjoyers of this drink suffer from terrible breath being cheif amongst a myriad of other challenges. This is the Mitsubishi Eclipse of the soda world. It is inexplicably popular with teens, yet totally sub-par overall and inappropriate for consumption as an adult.

Please stay tuned for Part 2 of this feature, including girl sodas, appropriate adult sodas, sodas for geniuses, and MORE. COMING SOON!