Joel Reviews Ways to Have Genitals Removed

Pets are:

Lovable. Fun. Furry. Loving. Gentle. Insightful. Protective. Plesant. Law-Abiding. Non-judgmental. Athletic. Peaceable. Murderous?????????

They have been described as our best friends, but they do require significant care and attention. Before taking on a pet, all potential owners should be aware of a pet's needs. After all, they depend on humans for everything. They need humans for nurturing companionship, shelter, sometimes clothing, and food. And if they aren't provided with food, they'll start eating strange things. My dog Jesse was horribly stupid. He was provided with delicious, nutritious food. Sometimes I'd feed him little smokies, bacon, or other meaty snacks. Despite his luxurious diet, occasionally I would still catch him eating his own fecal matter. Why?

Me: "Hey Jesse, here's some delicious polish sausage."

Jesse: "Thanks, but I just ate a 1/4 pound of my own poopy crap. Maybe next time"

Me: "What?....Why??"

Jesse: (shrugs, lighting a cigarette)


Fecal matter is one thing, but it's completely harmless compared to this.

Horrifying. By all accounts, this is the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. At the bottom of the article, it asks the reader what should happen to the dog. I think the dog should be given to the juiceman. Once juiced, the juice should be symbolically offered to the child whose life it ruined. Then, the dog should go to hell- where it can frolic with other genital eating Dachshunds, Adolf Hitler, and where it can prepare for the grand arrival of Julia Roberts, Goldie Hawn and Rick Fox.

It should never be the case that "Dachshund attack" would be only the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. What could be worse than having a dog attack and consume your thingy?

This nightmare.

Don't be fooled. Chimps are not fun-loving, laid back horse trainers like most of us believe. They are murderers, and in the cage for a reason. Because they will eat your nose and genitals- then they'll laugh about it.

If you're going to get a pet, get a Mogwai.


Bonus Link: This.