The purpose of this post is twofold: to reestablish Forrest Gump in the canon of great American movies, and to prove unequivocally that Jake Melzer hates America.
Melzer makes, or should I say compiles, some good points in his review. The plot of the movie is clearly far-fetched and appears to reward stupidity. It’s easy to see why someone such as Melzer might think this makes Forrest Gump a bad movie. But beneath the cool, critical façade of a Forrest Gump hater lies a seditious authoritarian philosophy.
On the first point, I’m going to call out Melzer on his recent applause of the Academy’s decision to name Slumdog Millionaire as Best Picture of 2008. One minute Melzer pretends to hate illogical movies, and the next he’s proclaiming a fairy tale the best picture of the year. On sheer inconsistency, this argument holds no water.
The second point is a little trickier to deal with. Is Forrest Gump a demonstrable idiot who succeeds at everything in life? Yes. Does Jenny, the curious, sexually liberated love interest find anything but misery and squalor in her explorations? No. According to Melzer, this means that the writer of the film and everyone who enjoys it believes that no ability is required to succeed in life and that curiosity and intellectualism should be rewarded with death by STD.
This is too simplistic an argument. Let’s consider two works by the master novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky. In The Idiot, the pure-hearted Prince Myshkin lives a life of blameless honesty, only to watch his life and that of those around him wind up in hopeless tragedy. In Crime & Punishment, the protagonist murders and robs his landlady and her servant, but eventually finds a kind of redemption in his relationship with a former prostitute. Were we to apply Melzer’s reasoning to these novels, we would have to conclude that Dostoevsky believed that the true path to happiness was not humble service but murder, thievery, and prostitution. Anyone who has read a work by this supremely ethical novelist would have to agree that the idea is preposterous.
If Forrest Gump does not reward stupidity, what is the message of the movie? Since Melzer possessives a subversive ulterior motive in his critique--which will soon become clear—he is deliberately reading too literally what is meant to be viewed as allegory.
The crucial first step in understanding the allegory is to reconsider the definition of “intelligence,” after which Melzer’s criticism of Forrest Gump suddenly becomes callous and elitist. If intelligence can only be measured by standardized testing, then yes, Chairman Mel, Forrest Gump is a certifiable idiot. But by that measure, black Americans and children from low-income homes are less intelligent on the whole than white, middle-class Americans. Are you a racist, too, Melzer?? Possibly, but that’s a separate discussion. What is clear is that Melzer is betraying a clear bias towards only one kind of intelligence: book smarts.
Forrest Gump can put together a gun faster than anyone else in his platoon. Do we call the rest of his platoon idiots in comparison to his mechanical genius? He plays Olympic table tennis. Are athletes idiots, Melzer, simply because their intelligence lies in their coordination as opposed to their capacity for pointless philosophical exercises? Additionally, Forrest is obedient, helpful, and humble. If the SAT could measure such a thing as “moral intelligence,” Jake Melzer would be a chowderhead by comparison.
The point of the allegory is that anyone can succeed in America. In other countries, biases toward book smarts bar the average person from breaking into the good life. Success is meted out from a rigidly meritocratic ivory tower. In America, success—like power—comes from the bottom up. It is not institutional eggheads that decide who succeeds and who fails, but the common person. This means that all sorts of intelligence are recognized and rewarded, not just the ability to perform well on standardized tests.
Who would be unhappy with such a country? If you follow the money, you can see that ivory tower academicians might be a little miffed at sharing their power with the common man.
FACT: Jacob Melzer was once employed by Brigham Young University, an accredited university, where he had frequent contact with professors.
FACT: Jacob Melzer cites a professor in his review of Forrest Gump.
Clearly, Jake Melzer prefers a country where one can only succeed with the right skin color and test scores. He is bitter, like most academics, with his failure to gain popularity and money through natural talent and a foundation of solid morals. When he sees others succeed, he cannot resist trying to bring them down. What he and other communists (“Chairman Mel?” Could he be more flagrant about his authoritarian sympathies?) don’t understand is that bringing Forrest Gump down won’t raise him up.
But what about Jenny, you say? What does her failure mean in this allegory? As you’ll recall, Jenny’s father sexually abused her. This locked her into a psychological patriarchal dependence, causing her to seek in vain for approval from abusive father figures. The brave Forrest, in contrast, was able to break free from the generational pattern of subservience in the same way that our Founding Fathers declared independence from tyranny.
Similar to Jenny, Melzer is emotionally stunted, needing validation from above in the form of good grades—grades which mean nothing in the real world. Having failed to break into middle management in corporate Korea, Melzer will soon run off to lick his wounds in Panama, where he will try to impress the natives into regarding him as a leader with his theories of commodity fetishism and the labor theory of value.
As you can see, critics of Forrest Gump hate the free enterprise system and would rather hoard authority for themselves. Also, Melzer misused the word “disingenuous” in his review.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Joel Reviews Ways to Have Genitals Removed
Pets are:
Lovable. Fun. Furry. Loving. Gentle. Insightful. Protective. Plesant. Law-Abiding. Non-judgmental. Athletic. Peaceable. Murderous?????????
They have been described as our best friends, but they do require significant care and attention. Before taking on a pet, all potential owners should be aware of a pet's needs. After all, they depend on humans for everything. They need humans for nurturing companionship, shelter, sometimes clothing, and food. And if they aren't provided with food, they'll start eating strange things. My dog Jesse was horribly stupid. He was provided with delicious, nutritious food. Sometimes I'd feed him little smokies, bacon, or other meaty snacks. Despite his luxurious diet, occasionally I would still catch him eating his own fecal matter. Why?
Me: "Hey Jesse, here's some delicious polish sausage."
Jesse: "Thanks, but I just ate a 1/4 pound of my own poopy crap. Maybe next time"
Me: "What?....Why??"
Jesse: (shrugs, lighting a cigarette)
Fecal matter is one thing, but it's completely harmless compared to this.
Horrifying. By all accounts, this is the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. At the bottom of the article, it asks the reader what should happen to the dog. I think the dog should be given to the juiceman. Once juiced, the juice should be symbolically offered to the child whose life it ruined. Then, the dog should go to hell- where it can frolic with other genital eating Dachshunds, Adolf Hitler, and where it can prepare for the grand arrival of Julia Roberts, Goldie Hawn and Rick Fox.
It should never be the case that "Dachshund attack" would be only the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. What could be worse than having a dog attack and consume your thingy?
This nightmare.
Don't be fooled. Chimps are not fun-loving, laid back horse trainers like most of us believe. They are murderers, and in the cage for a reason. Because they will eat your nose and genitals- then they'll laugh about it.
If you're going to get a pet, get a Mogwai.
Bonus Link: This.
Lovable. Fun. Furry. Loving. Gentle. Insightful. Protective. Plesant. Law-Abiding. Non-judgmental. Athletic. Peaceable. Murderous?????????
They have been described as our best friends, but they do require significant care and attention. Before taking on a pet, all potential owners should be aware of a pet's needs. After all, they depend on humans for everything. They need humans for nurturing companionship, shelter, sometimes clothing, and food. And if they aren't provided with food, they'll start eating strange things. My dog Jesse was horribly stupid. He was provided with delicious, nutritious food. Sometimes I'd feed him little smokies, bacon, or other meaty snacks. Despite his luxurious diet, occasionally I would still catch him eating his own fecal matter. Why?
Me: "Hey Jesse, here's some delicious polish sausage."
Jesse: "Thanks, but I just ate a 1/4 pound of my own poopy crap. Maybe next time"
Me: "What?....Why??"
Jesse: (shrugs, lighting a cigarette)
Fecal matter is one thing, but it's completely harmless compared to this.
Horrifying. By all accounts, this is the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. At the bottom of the article, it asks the reader what should happen to the dog. I think the dog should be given to the juiceman. Once juiced, the juice should be symbolically offered to the child whose life it ruined. Then, the dog should go to hell- where it can frolic with other genital eating Dachshunds, Adolf Hitler, and where it can prepare for the grand arrival of Julia Roberts, Goldie Hawn and Rick Fox.
It should never be the case that "Dachshund attack" would be only the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. What could be worse than having a dog attack and consume your thingy?
This nightmare.
Don't be fooled. Chimps are not fun-loving, laid back horse trainers like most of us believe. They are murderers, and in the cage for a reason. Because they will eat your nose and genitals- then they'll laugh about it.
If you're going to get a pet, get a Mogwai.
Bonus Link: This.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Bob reviews different modes of communication
We live in the Information Age. Didn't know that? Wake up!
Chances are, if you don't know about the Information Age, a Chinese person has already taken your job. What is information with no way to communicate it? So here is my review of communicating.
Magazines - Magazines can be a great way to learn about the world. National Geographic is particularly great, as long as you don't get bogged down in an article (boring!). Celebrity gossip magazines such as US Weekly and sports magazines such as ESPN the Magazine are indispensable tools in navigating our complex modern world. The big downside of magazines: not many of us write for them, so it's hard to give your friends a shout-out.
Web 2.0 - Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, blogging. These are all great ways to keep tabs on current friends, friends you once cared about, awkward people who are trying to hang out with you, people you once dated, and girls you're stalking. And if it weren't for blogs, you wouldn't be reading this right now. This brings us to the next mode:
Meta-communication - Put simply, this is communicating about communication. Ever made a Facebook joke? That's meta-communcation, sir. In the postmodern world, self-referentiality is key. Wrap your head around it, because India already has.
Email - It's hard to imagine how anybody worked, lived, or delivered jilted rants at 3 am before email. I'm pretty sure that pre-1993 office workers accomplished nothing except planning Christmas parties.
Fax - Worthless technology. See "email."
Text messages - Texting is much maligned outside the realm of teenage Japanese girls, but face it, we all use it. Texting is a great way to communicate just the necessary facts without the inefficient etiquette of a phone call. In today's economy, efficiency is key. Texting can also be a great way to flirt with a person for whom a phone call would be too onerous.
Telephone - Another mode of communication that is going the way of the dinosaur. Phone conversations are notorious for lasting too long, being too intrusive, being filled with pressure, and betraying one's nervousness. The telephone is an awful form of communication.
Homing pigeon, telegraph, radio, sign language - These modes of communication are hopelessly outdated, but serve to remind us how inventive and silly humans can be when it comes to communicating.
MP3 - This piece of communication has singlehandedly gutted the most sinister industry in the world--the music industry. It also exposed Lars Ulrich as being a whiny baby. Napster was a celestial leap forward in the development of mankind, but unfortunately we were not ready for it, similar to how the early saints were not ready for the United Order.
Face to face - It's crazy, but some people have not grasped the full utility of electronically based communication. This forces the rest of us to have to speak to them in person. You still have to visit your grandma because she can't check her email without your cousin's help. Many unnecessary dates occur because of incompetent Facebook flirters. The upside of face-to-face communication: can segue into massages.
Chances are, if you don't know about the Information Age, a Chinese person has already taken your job. What is information with no way to communicate it? So here is my review of communicating.
Magazines - Magazines can be a great way to learn about the world. National Geographic is particularly great, as long as you don't get bogged down in an article (boring!). Celebrity gossip magazines such as US Weekly and sports magazines such as ESPN the Magazine are indispensable tools in navigating our complex modern world. The big downside of magazines: not many of us write for them, so it's hard to give your friends a shout-out.
Web 2.0 - Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, blogging. These are all great ways to keep tabs on current friends, friends you once cared about, awkward people who are trying to hang out with you, people you once dated, and girls you're stalking. And if it weren't for blogs, you wouldn't be reading this right now. This brings us to the next mode:
Meta-communication - Put simply, this is communicating about communication. Ever made a Facebook joke? That's meta-communcation, sir. In the postmodern world, self-referentiality is key. Wrap your head around it, because India already has.
Email - It's hard to imagine how anybody worked, lived, or delivered jilted rants at 3 am before email. I'm pretty sure that pre-1993 office workers accomplished nothing except planning Christmas parties.
Fax - Worthless technology. See "email."
Text messages - Texting is much maligned outside the realm of teenage Japanese girls, but face it, we all use it. Texting is a great way to communicate just the necessary facts without the inefficient etiquette of a phone call. In today's economy, efficiency is key. Texting can also be a great way to flirt with a person for whom a phone call would be too onerous.
Telephone - Another mode of communication that is going the way of the dinosaur. Phone conversations are notorious for lasting too long, being too intrusive, being filled with pressure, and betraying one's nervousness. The telephone is an awful form of communication.
Homing pigeon, telegraph, radio, sign language - These modes of communication are hopelessly outdated, but serve to remind us how inventive and silly humans can be when it comes to communicating.
MP3 - This piece of communication has singlehandedly gutted the most sinister industry in the world--the music industry. It also exposed Lars Ulrich as being a whiny baby. Napster was a celestial leap forward in the development of mankind, but unfortunately we were not ready for it, similar to how the early saints were not ready for the United Order.
Face to face - It's crazy, but some people have not grasped the full utility of electronically based communication. This forces the rest of us to have to speak to them in person. You still have to visit your grandma because she can't check her email without your cousin's help. Many unnecessary dates occur because of incompetent Facebook flirters. The upside of face-to-face communication: can segue into massages.
Juicy Couture
I would take juice over soda (with some exceptions) any day. This is my juice review.Best Orange Juice: Naked OJ
This juice is SO good! I can no longer drink any other kind. I would say 95% of the orange juices found on the shelves at your local grocer are a huge and embarrassing disgrace to the Orange. Naked OJ takes the cake for best orange juice by far. Worth every penny.
Best Apple Juice: Simply Apple
Quite possibly the greatest juice ever? Somewhat new to the shelves, but guaranteed to be around for awhile. This apple juice has a delicious dirt / earthy taste that will knock your socks off and take you back to your high school days when you were a study buddy after school and would drink organic apple juice in miniature cups. Similar to the juice above, you will not be able to stop drinking it. Simply Apple also goes with EVERYTHING . . . pizza, gold fish, burritos, nachos, string cheese, ANYTHING. The bottle is an optical illusion. There is not as much in there as you would think. One bottle = one serving size.
Best Grape Juice: Newman's Own Gorilla Grape
Great name, great taste.
Best Smoothie Juice: Naked Mighty Mango
Do I dare say all Naked Juices are pretty dependable? You may be taken back at first with the thick consistency of the Mighty Mango Juice Smoothie, but will learn to love it quickly. Mighty Mango is tangy and dangerous and wildly refreshing . . . it will leave you wondering why you ever settled for a Hansen's Smoothie Juice.
Best Protein Juice: Odwalla's Vanilla Al'Mondo Protein
Organic soymilk! Organic oatmilk! Bananas! Ground almonds! The PERFECT dairy free combination! If you're particularly interested in watered down beverages like myself, this one is definitely for you. At first it seems like there is vital ingredient missing with this drink, but the more you drink it, the more you realize, additional flavor would only ruin this perfect chemistry between the almond and the vanilla. This drink is not for everyone though . . . if you prefer a grittier protein shake, go with the Naked Protein Zone because that one is so good too, and so gritty it leaves your teeth feeling like they're wearing a winter wool sweater.
Best Antioxidant Juice: Sambazon Açai
One time some friends and I worked an event in Park City for the film festival because we were told there were going to be some hot A listers (like Orlando Bloom) there. We couldn't turn the opportunity down because Amanda's mom had a dream once that Amanda was supposed to marry Orlando Bloom, so naturally we thought it would only take one glance for her destiny to come true. Turns out, the only celebs we saw that night were Moby (and his crappy embarrassment of a side project band) and Danny Glover. Who hasn't seen Danny Glover in Utah? I saw him two weeks after that at PF Chang's in Orem. ANYWAY, the only thing that got us through that night were the endless Açai drinks. SO good and SO good for you!
Best Laxative Juice: Sunsweet Prune
Bladder infection? This is what you want. Also a great source of potassium. Foods that contain potassium have been scientifically proven to help prevent hypertension and stroke. Cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in the United States.
Most Interesting Juice: POM
Wether you're drinking this juice to build your glass collection or simply for image, there is something you need to know about this stuff. POM Wonderful has spent over $20 million (a nearly unprecedented amount for the food industry) to fund research into the health qualities of pomegranates. In some of the studies it has sponsored, researchers have used animal testing. In response, the company has received some negative publicity from animal rights activists, including the animal rights group PETA — supported by actress Pamela Anderson. On another note, I would like to say that cold pomegranate seeds are a very under-appreciated treat. The texture and taste is far superior to other fruits, and I predict that one day these little seeds will be as mainstream as purple grapes.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Things Provo is Currently Missing
Smart Brothers - Their love and passion for organizing trips to the Mona rope swing, going to J-Dawgs, and any outdoor activity.
Garlock Brothers - Extensive in depth conversations with Joe and John's willingness to do anything at anytime and form/coach softball teams.
The Brothers Billings - Two great guys to have around in any situation, especially to piss off Lloyd.
The White Trash House - Provo is currently missing most of the residents that lived here from Fall 2006-Spring 2007. Mainly hanging out and having jam sessions with members of The Protons, and of course Wren.
Blington - Daily trips to Costco, Blockbuster, and every fast food restaurant in Provo. Also now that he is gone, no one is being stalked.
Shields - Without her there is no one to stop by and visit at anytime of the day, you would mostly find her working on her laptop in her bed. The one above is mostly missed by her.
Whiffle Ball and Batting Practice - Our all star team that owned the school on Center Street back in '07, along with the alternates; Gonzalo, Jose, and a few other random Provo natives.
Hammer/Rifle - The Good Ole Days.
Bardhi - Without him the Provo indie crowd has no foreigner to praise and follow.
Phil, Melzer, JP, and Bobby - All four are instantly likable guys that Provo desperately needs to come back.
The Flames & Hondamatic - The streets of Provo will never be the same until these two hot rides make their way back here.
Jerry's - Never actually ate there myself, but I have heard from many credible sources that this was the best burger in the Utah Valley.
Pup Pup & Diva - Now would be a good time to have a dog in Provo. Preferably Diva, since Pup Pup was a smelly untrained ragity mut.
The Seahawk 2 - Mainly missing the weather we enjoyed when we floated the Provo River in this inflatable boat twice in three days.
Tanner Zemp - Haha, no one really misses this guy at all.
Garlock Brothers - Extensive in depth conversations with Joe and John's willingness to do anything at anytime and form/coach softball teams.
The Brothers Billings - Two great guys to have around in any situation, especially to piss off Lloyd.
The White Trash House - Provo is currently missing most of the residents that lived here from Fall 2006-Spring 2007. Mainly hanging out and having jam sessions with members of The Protons, and of course Wren.
Blington - Daily trips to Costco, Blockbuster, and every fast food restaurant in Provo. Also now that he is gone, no one is being stalked.
Shields - Without her there is no one to stop by and visit at anytime of the day, you would mostly find her working on her laptop in her bed. The one above is mostly missed by her.
Whiffle Ball and Batting Practice - Our all star team that owned the school on Center Street back in '07, along with the alternates; Gonzalo, Jose, and a few other random Provo natives.
Hammer/Rifle - The Good Ole Days.
Bardhi - Without him the Provo indie crowd has no foreigner to praise and follow.
Phil, Melzer, JP, and Bobby - All four are instantly likable guys that Provo desperately needs to come back.
The Flames & Hondamatic - The streets of Provo will never be the same until these two hot rides make their way back here.
Jerry's - Never actually ate there myself, but I have heard from many credible sources that this was the best burger in the Utah Valley.
Pup Pup & Diva - Now would be a good time to have a dog in Provo. Preferably Diva, since Pup Pup was a smelly untrained ragity mut.
The Seahawk 2 - Mainly missing the weather we enjoyed when we floated the Provo River in this inflatable boat twice in three days.
Tanner Zemp - Haha, no one really misses this guy at all.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Joel's Semi-Exhaustive Review of Soda Part 1
"Soda" is created when carbon dioxide is injected into a liquid. Known also as soft drinks, fountain drinks, soda pop, or just simply as "pop," whatever you want to call it- soda is delicious and is here to stay. No matter the occasion, soda hits the spot every time. One could be attending a funeral, taking a test, driving a hybrid, saving Darfur, meeting with a client, running a marathon, fighting a war, navigating a desert by foot or even just relaxing at home- it is always appropriate to pause for a gulp of the sweet stuff.
As "The Preacher" (the son of David- see Ecl. 3:1) wrote and the Byrds sang, "to every thing (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven," (cue jangly guitar riff). Long before David Crosby donated his own semen for the artificial impregnation of Melissa Etheridge's lady-partner; he was doing other rad stuff- like singing about Old-Testament proverbs. No doubt both Preacher and Crosby had one thing in mind in penning and crooning these wise words: soda.
Having recently fallen back off the proverbial soda-wagon after a 5 week hiatus, I hereby dedicate this post to reviewing various sodas (or sodii) and their respective seasons of enjoyment.
Larvae Stage: Children enjoy inferior foods. Kraft Single? You bet! Cold hot dogs? Delish! Creamy Peanut Butter? Hooray!! Soggy piece of bread that has been forgotten in the toddler's clamped hand for the last 45 minutes? Nummy!! I used to enjoy my favorite meal as a youngster which was prepared by following these simple steps:
1) Place one piece of white bread on microwavable plate
2) Place one slice of "Oscar-Meyer" baloney on white bread
3) Top off with an unwrapped kraft single
4) Microwave on high for 15-20 seconds (or until baloney "pops" and everything is disgusting)
5) Laugh at the popping sound- remove from microwave
6) Serve hot
I tell this story not just to explain why I did not grow to my full potential, but to illustrate that tastes change. Why should it be any different with sodas? Just as children enjoy filthy and disgusting foods, they are often found drinking disgusting sodas. In a recent poll of toddlers, these sodas were found most enjoyable:
67% preferred Orange Hi-C/Crush/Fanta
14% drew a faintly discernable horse/dinosaur
12% preferred Grape Soda
4% preferred anything generic (Dr. A+, anything from the "Shasta" soda collection)
3% wrote only "sippy cup"
These sodas should only be consumed by adults in exceptional occasions where there are no other options (coming late to a BBQ where the good drinks are gone, attending a church party, stealing from a roommate).
*It should be noted here that Sean Hetherington is tragically stuck in this food phase.
Akward Tween/Teen Phase: This phase is all about trying to impress the opposite sex and increase social standing amongst peers. As changes in the body are rampant, it can be a confusing time for these poor, troubled guys. Not suprisingly, they miss the mark a little here as well while trying to fit in and figure out their own tastes. This unfortunate group embraces 2 major sodas:
#1) Mountain Dew. Most teens prefer this beverage because of the "extreme" or "rebellious" stigma associated with it. While the taste is very similar to Sprite or 7up, teens won't be caught drinking those in public. Plus, the caffeine helps the teens wake up and get off to school, where they busily spend the day lying about sexual experiences, pretending not to be interested in any of their subjects, and complaining about their parents. Although they are hyper-sensitive to any comment, inadvertant glance, or suggestion- they must appear not to be. Some former teens that never fully adjust to adult life retain this beverage as a daily foodstuff. Among them are construction workers, computer programmers, gamers, rednecks, guitar center employees, and adult losers in general.
#2) Cherry Coke. The Teenage years are years for peaked consumption of fast food, and nothing tops off a horrible meal like this trashy soda. I admit, the immediate flavor is rewarding and full-bodied, but the aftertaste alone is not worth the temptation. Enjoyers of this drink suffer from terrible breath being cheif amongst a myriad of other challenges. This is the Mitsubishi Eclipse of the soda world. It is inexplicably popular with teens, yet totally sub-par overall and inappropriate for consumption as an adult.
Please stay tuned for Part 2 of this feature, including girl sodas, appropriate adult sodas, sodas for geniuses, and MORE. COMING SOON!
As "The Preacher" (the son of David- see Ecl. 3:1) wrote and the Byrds sang, "to every thing (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven," (cue jangly guitar riff). Long before David Crosby donated his own semen for the artificial impregnation of Melissa Etheridge's lady-partner; he was doing other rad stuff- like singing about Old-Testament proverbs. No doubt both Preacher and Crosby had one thing in mind in penning and crooning these wise words: soda.
Having recently fallen back off the proverbial soda-wagon after a 5 week hiatus, I hereby dedicate this post to reviewing various sodas (or sodii) and their respective seasons of enjoyment.
Larvae Stage: Children enjoy inferior foods. Kraft Single? You bet! Cold hot dogs? Delish! Creamy Peanut Butter? Hooray!! Soggy piece of bread that has been forgotten in the toddler's clamped hand for the last 45 minutes? Nummy!! I used to enjoy my favorite meal as a youngster which was prepared by following these simple steps:
1) Place one piece of white bread on microwavable plate
2) Place one slice of "Oscar-Meyer" baloney on white bread
3) Top off with an unwrapped kraft single
4) Microwave on high for 15-20 seconds (or until baloney "pops" and everything is disgusting)
5) Laugh at the popping sound- remove from microwave
6) Serve hot
I tell this story not just to explain why I did not grow to my full potential, but to illustrate that tastes change. Why should it be any different with sodas? Just as children enjoy filthy and disgusting foods, they are often found drinking disgusting sodas. In a recent poll of toddlers, these sodas were found most enjoyable:
67% preferred Orange Hi-C/Crush/Fanta
14% drew a faintly discernable horse/dinosaur
12% preferred Grape Soda
4% preferred anything generic (Dr. A+, anything from the "Shasta" soda collection)
3% wrote only "sippy cup"
These sodas should only be consumed by adults in exceptional occasions where there are no other options (coming late to a BBQ where the good drinks are gone, attending a church party, stealing from a roommate).
*It should be noted here that Sean Hetherington is tragically stuck in this food phase.
Akward Tween/Teen Phase: This phase is all about trying to impress the opposite sex and increase social standing amongst peers. As changes in the body are rampant, it can be a confusing time for these poor, troubled guys. Not suprisingly, they miss the mark a little here as well while trying to fit in and figure out their own tastes. This unfortunate group embraces 2 major sodas:
#1) Mountain Dew. Most teens prefer this beverage because of the "extreme" or "rebellious" stigma associated with it. While the taste is very similar to Sprite or 7up, teens won't be caught drinking those in public. Plus, the caffeine helps the teens wake up and get off to school, where they busily spend the day lying about sexual experiences, pretending not to be interested in any of their subjects, and complaining about their parents. Although they are hyper-sensitive to any comment, inadvertant glance, or suggestion- they must appear not to be. Some former teens that never fully adjust to adult life retain this beverage as a daily foodstuff. Among them are construction workers, computer programmers, gamers, rednecks, guitar center employees, and adult losers in general.
#2) Cherry Coke. The Teenage years are years for peaked consumption of fast food, and nothing tops off a horrible meal like this trashy soda. I admit, the immediate flavor is rewarding and full-bodied, but the aftertaste alone is not worth the temptation. Enjoyers of this drink suffer from terrible breath being cheif amongst a myriad of other challenges. This is the Mitsubishi Eclipse of the soda world. It is inexplicably popular with teens, yet totally sub-par overall and inappropriate for consumption as an adult.
Please stay tuned for Part 2 of this feature, including girl sodas, appropriate adult sodas, sodas for geniuses, and MORE. COMING SOON!
Ten Moments I Wish I Had On Video
10. Uncle Doug pissed off in Ophir - Mainly just cause I wasn't there for this. I really wish i could see Dan Smock's reaction when Jake and Greg's 6'-9" uncle yelled at everyone for coughing and popping popcorn in their cabin.
9. Greg flipping out at Jake - For some reason I am very entertained whenever these two brothers get into an argument. The one I am referring to here is when Jake parked Greg's car in a ditch, the next morning Greg let Jake hear it for being irresponsible and lazy along with many other verbal assaults. No offense to Greg who is the nicest guy i know.
8. Nicky and Aaron getting scared - Thinking they were scaring another group of people Jake devised the perfect plot to scare my brother and Nick. Nick was on crutches at the time and admitted to almost falling over due to pure terror while everyone else in the group ran away in fear. Aaron admitted to still being shook up an hour after the scare.
7. Blackest Heart night - The only reason this isn't higher on the list is because we do have this concert on video, but I really wish we had it in better quality. The very same night Micah Mathis beat the hell out of someone in the Belmont quad. I know we all wish we were able to see again how fast this friendly snowball fight escalated to a fist fight.
6. Spin the Bottle - For a game that started out as a joke and ended up leading to two sleepovers, this would be a night worth watching again. Plus we need some proof that the River Trout actually played because that was the biggest surprise of the night/year.
5. Melzer's Life - Due to how much I enjoy hanging out with Melzer a handful of times a month, I would love to have a video of a day in the life of Melzer. Preferably during one of his solo international vacations.
4. Less than Jake - Most of us know about the time, many years ago, when Jake attending a Less than Jake concert. Jake, being poked fun at for wearing a Less than Jake shirt to the concert, decided it would be better to enjoy the rest of the concert shirtless. So who wouldn't want to see a thirteen year old Jake Smart skanking shirtless at a ska show?
3. All-Star cameo at 24 - As Joel and Jake were waiting to jump on the basketball court for the next game, a player on one of the current teams had to leave ("...probably the best player on the floor."-Jake) So Joel being the competitor he is jumped up and joined the team that was down 9-10. Joel got open and let a three point shot fly, only to come up a foot or so short. The opposing team got the rebound drove down and won the game. A huge Tongan proceeded to slam the ball against the ground and yell profanities in pure anger.
2. The Stonesifer Incident - This story has been misconstrued by many, but I know the few of us that know the truth behind this dramatic trip to Ophir would love to be able to witness this event on video for ourselves.
1. The Dirt Mound - It has been a year now since I took the hardest fall of my life. As I ran down a mound of dirt only to lose control and bounce off the ground like a drunken hobo, I heard an eruption of laughter from some of my closest friends. At first I was kind of pissed off everyone was just laughing but as I imagined what I must have looked like taking that hard fall, I realized it was worth a good laugh. To this day I know, if this were on video, it would be one of the funniest on youtube.
Made Up Moments I Wish I Had On Video
1. Catano's friends doing back flips on the water slides at Seven Peaks
9. Greg flipping out at Jake - For some reason I am very entertained whenever these two brothers get into an argument. The one I am referring to here is when Jake parked Greg's car in a ditch, the next morning Greg let Jake hear it for being irresponsible and lazy along with many other verbal assaults. No offense to Greg who is the nicest guy i know.
8. Nicky and Aaron getting scared - Thinking they were scaring another group of people Jake devised the perfect plot to scare my brother and Nick. Nick was on crutches at the time and admitted to almost falling over due to pure terror while everyone else in the group ran away in fear. Aaron admitted to still being shook up an hour after the scare.
7. Blackest Heart night - The only reason this isn't higher on the list is because we do have this concert on video, but I really wish we had it in better quality. The very same night Micah Mathis beat the hell out of someone in the Belmont quad. I know we all wish we were able to see again how fast this friendly snowball fight escalated to a fist fight.
6. Spin the Bottle - For a game that started out as a joke and ended up leading to two sleepovers, this would be a night worth watching again. Plus we need some proof that the River Trout actually played because that was the biggest surprise of the night/year.
5. Melzer's Life - Due to how much I enjoy hanging out with Melzer a handful of times a month, I would love to have a video of a day in the life of Melzer. Preferably during one of his solo international vacations.
4. Less than Jake - Most of us know about the time, many years ago, when Jake attending a Less than Jake concert. Jake, being poked fun at for wearing a Less than Jake shirt to the concert, decided it would be better to enjoy the rest of the concert shirtless. So who wouldn't want to see a thirteen year old Jake Smart skanking shirtless at a ska show?
3. All-Star cameo at 24 - As Joel and Jake were waiting to jump on the basketball court for the next game, a player on one of the current teams had to leave ("...probably the best player on the floor."-Jake) So Joel being the competitor he is jumped up and joined the team that was down 9-10. Joel got open and let a three point shot fly, only to come up a foot or so short. The opposing team got the rebound drove down and won the game. A huge Tongan proceeded to slam the ball against the ground and yell profanities in pure anger.
2. The Stonesifer Incident - This story has been misconstrued by many, but I know the few of us that know the truth behind this dramatic trip to Ophir would love to be able to witness this event on video for ourselves.
1. The Dirt Mound - It has been a year now since I took the hardest fall of my life. As I ran down a mound of dirt only to lose control and bounce off the ground like a drunken hobo, I heard an eruption of laughter from some of my closest friends. At first I was kind of pissed off everyone was just laughing but as I imagined what I must have looked like taking that hard fall, I realized it was worth a good laugh. To this day I know, if this were on video, it would be one of the funniest on youtube.
Made Up Moments I Wish I Had On Video
1. Catano's friends doing back flips on the water slides at Seven Peaks
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Top Five Meltdowns
There are many different types of meltdowns, the two most frequent types being the uncontrollable laughter meltdown and the angry flip-out meltdown. Due to Christian Bale's recent rant on the set of Terminator Salvation I have decided to focus on the latter. (if you want to keep this blog to a PG-13 rating just don't click on the links below)
5. Jim Everett attacks Jim Rome for repeatedly referring to him as Chris Evert the female tennis player. Could have been staged but either way here is the one and only reason to like Jim Rome.
4. On the set of I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell and Lily Tomlin get into a small argument in front of the entire crew.
3. Chris Berman gets frustrated with his MNF crew.
2. Christian Bale loses all control and cusses out someone on the Terminator Salvation set. I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger warned Bale about how tough it is on your personal life to play a role in a Terminator movie, I guess Arnold was right.
1. Bill O'Reilly, just watch.
Here are a few honorable mentions.
Dennis Green
Bug swallow
Laces out
5. Jim Everett attacks Jim Rome for repeatedly referring to him as Chris Evert the female tennis player. Could have been staged but either way here is the one and only reason to like Jim Rome.
4. On the set of I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell and Lily Tomlin get into a small argument in front of the entire crew.
3. Chris Berman gets frustrated with his MNF crew.
2. Christian Bale loses all control and cusses out someone on the Terminator Salvation set. I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger warned Bale about how tough it is on your personal life to play a role in a Terminator movie, I guess Arnold was right.
1. Bill O'Reilly, just watch.
Here are a few honorable mentions.
Dennis Green
Bug swallow
Laces out
Top 10 Bailouts Even Our Birthday Boy Greg Mankiw Should Support
10. Old Spice Original Scent- Mountain Rush? Ice Fields? Sports Smell? Fresh? Original scent was the scent of our fathers and our fathers' fathers. If it's good enough for Dan Barnes, it's pretty much good enough for the entire world. And most certainly worthy of Mankiw's endorsement.
9. Airline Food- People are flying all the time these days and the food on airplanes is terrible. It's about time we did something about this. The best solution is to start serving KFC mashed potatoes instead. This would be the single greatest bailout in history.
8. Kevin Costner- In Costner's Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves performance, he was the only actor NOT to attempt an english accent. It's that kind of brash leadership that we need to subsidize in our country. This guy deserves our tax dollars.
7. Non-Organic food- If non-organic fruits and vegetables fail, we will be relegated to buying fruits and vegetables with unrecognizable names from the health food stores and having to see all of those weird people who work there.
6. Myspace- This social networking page has been taken over by trashy teenagers, pedophiles and bad progressive rock bands. There is a reason people join facebook, it's to get away from these people.
5. Detroit Lions- I'm not sure there are any good reasons for bailing out this franchise other than the fact that the city of Detroit will most certainly see some grim days in the future.
4. Nickelback- These guys keep making really bad music and wearing really bad clothes and getting really bad haircuts. In this case perhaps we need to bail the world out from Nickelback.
3. Iceland- If Iceland collapses, we lose a couple of great bands, Sigur Ros and Bjork. Weird indie kids and depressed people everywhere would lose their minds.
2. The Liberty Tax service guy- When it's 10 degrees outside and snowing, this guy is dressed like the statue of liberty and gets paid $8.50 to wave at me while I'm on my way to work. He deserves a raise of about 8.25 billion dollars.
1. Count Chocula Cereal- The single greatest cereal ever made. It seems they tease us every couple of years and re-release this gem around halloween time. Economists and americans alike need to stand up for what's right and make this cereal available year round, every year.
9. Airline Food- People are flying all the time these days and the food on airplanes is terrible. It's about time we did something about this. The best solution is to start serving KFC mashed potatoes instead. This would be the single greatest bailout in history.
8. Kevin Costner- In Costner's Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves performance, he was the only actor NOT to attempt an english accent. It's that kind of brash leadership that we need to subsidize in our country. This guy deserves our tax dollars.
7. Non-Organic food- If non-organic fruits and vegetables fail, we will be relegated to buying fruits and vegetables with unrecognizable names from the health food stores and having to see all of those weird people who work there.
6. Myspace- This social networking page has been taken over by trashy teenagers, pedophiles and bad progressive rock bands. There is a reason people join facebook, it's to get away from these people.
5. Detroit Lions- I'm not sure there are any good reasons for bailing out this franchise other than the fact that the city of Detroit will most certainly see some grim days in the future.
4. Nickelback- These guys keep making really bad music and wearing really bad clothes and getting really bad haircuts. In this case perhaps we need to bail the world out from Nickelback.
3. Iceland- If Iceland collapses, we lose a couple of great bands, Sigur Ros and Bjork. Weird indie kids and depressed people everywhere would lose their minds.
2. The Liberty Tax service guy- When it's 10 degrees outside and snowing, this guy is dressed like the statue of liberty and gets paid $8.50 to wave at me while I'm on my way to work. He deserves a raise of about 8.25 billion dollars.
1. Count Chocula Cereal- The single greatest cereal ever made. It seems they tease us every couple of years and re-release this gem around halloween time. Economists and americans alike need to stand up for what's right and make this cereal available year round, every year.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Top 10 worst album covers for good albums
10. Stone Temple Pilots - Core
Even if we get past the image, there's still the design of the band name to deal with.
9. Three-way tie: Guided by Voices - Bee Thousand, Alien Lanes, and Propeller
Turns out "lo-fi" isn't such a great idea when it comes to album art.
8. Tortoise - TNT
You know what they were going for, but it doesn't make it any more forgiveable.
7. Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
Even after you determine that the big black space isn't her hair, there's still no accounting for the weird pink margin.
6. The Roots - Game Theory
This is exactly why you don't come up with album cover concepts while high.
5. Hieroglyphics - Third Eye Vision
Cool font!
4. The Police - Outlandos D'Amour
Did Sting really need to be prettier?
3. Black Sabbath - Paranoid
Is anything about this done well?
2. Smashing Pumpkins - Gish
Have you ever been in a group photo where you look terrible and everyone else looks normal? The Smashing Pumpkins managed to get a photo where each of them looks the worst they have ever looked. Then they put it on their debut album.
1. Alice in Chains - Facelift
I had to fudge a little with this one, because I can't say it's a good album, or even that I've heard more than a couple songs, but I mean, holy crap.
Bonus: Broken Social Scene - You Forgot it in People (alternate cover)
This complete turd makes me even angrier because I can't get iTunes to use the much cooler real album cover.
Extra bonus: Radiohead - Pablo Honey
No, you're right, it's not a good album. But by comparison, the music's great.
Even if we get past the image, there's still the design of the band name to deal with.
9. Three-way tie: Guided by Voices - Bee Thousand, Alien Lanes, and Propeller
Turns out "lo-fi" isn't such a great idea when it comes to album art.
8. Tortoise - TNT
You know what they were going for, but it doesn't make it any more forgiveable.
7. Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
Even after you determine that the big black space isn't her hair, there's still no accounting for the weird pink margin.
6. The Roots - Game Theory
This is exactly why you don't come up with album cover concepts while high.
5. Hieroglyphics - Third Eye Vision
Cool font!
4. The Police - Outlandos D'Amour
Did Sting really need to be prettier?
3. Black Sabbath - Paranoid
Is anything about this done well?
2. Smashing Pumpkins - Gish
Have you ever been in a group photo where you look terrible and everyone else looks normal? The Smashing Pumpkins managed to get a photo where each of them looks the worst they have ever looked. Then they put it on their debut album.
1. Alice in Chains - Facelift
I had to fudge a little with this one, because I can't say it's a good album, or even that I've heard more than a couple songs, but I mean, holy crap.
Bonus: Broken Social Scene - You Forgot it in People (alternate cover)
This complete turd makes me even angrier because I can't get iTunes to use the much cooler real album cover.
Extra bonus: Radiohead - Pablo Honey
No, you're right, it's not a good album. But by comparison, the music's great.
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