Joel's Semi-Exhaustive Review of Soda Part II

In the past two years, the world has seen substantial changes:

1) Sweeping overthrow of oppressive governments in Northern Africa and the middle-east.
2) Destructive Tsunamis have caused mayhem in Japan and the Pacific.
3) Wars and rumors of wars.
4) Those crying "Lo here!" and "Lo there!" falsely predicting the second coming.
5) Some other stuff.

Most importantly, the last two years have allowed me to pursue what I perceive as a critical need in the study of soda(s). It has taken me until now to complete the most recent phase of intense research and clinical studies, and I shall publish my findings here, to the leading clinical publication in all scholarly topics: reviewcityusa.

Soda and Gender:

Women are the lifeblood of our humanoid race, and are responsible for the renewal of our species as well as 84% of all reported traffic accidents/infractions worldwide. The variance of their interests scales the full breadth of human experience, although scientists and clinicians have identified one element common to all females: if given only one choice of beverage, 100% of females will choose Diet Coke (assuming Fiji Water is not an option).

Conversely, heterosexual males will initially suffer a gag-response to their first taste of Diet Coke and must be conditioned to accept the beverage (either by mixing it into a hybrid Diet Coke/Dr. Pepper beverage or by adding prolific amounts of lemon or lime juice). Women find the taste immediately enjoyable, even while rejecting the scientifically proven superior formula of regular Coca-Cola. To explain this phenomenon, allow me to draw from the recent documentary film Napoleon Dynamite. The title-character Napoleon aptly notices that his lady-interest is drinking 1% Milk, whereupon he asks her "Why are you drinking 1% milk? Do you think you're fat?"

Undoubtedly, the answer is yes- she does think she's fat, and this explains her choice of 1% milk as well as society's choice of diet soda in general. Those drinking diet are convinced they are either fat, or going to become fat from drinking regular soda. According to my studies, there was even a small group of frequent Wal-Mart shoppers that were under the unfortunate delusion that diet soda will cause weight loss. Combined with Meth, their hypothesis is correct. However, combined with copious amounts of flamin' hot cheetos and the McRib Sandwich, the results are catastrophic.

On a personal note, I realized the threat of regular soda after going through approx 120 cans of throwback Pepsi during the winter months of 2010. The damage to my body was drastic, evidenced by a 4 inch layer of blubber which congealed around my buttocks, stomach, hands, and face, and private parts.

Diet and Genre:

Some astonishing developments have happened within the past 2 months. Not only have I undertaken reading an incredibly in-depth 7 book Fantasy novel series, but I have also discovered the joy of Diet Mt. Dew. I mention these together because the link should not be surprising. Statistically, there is a positive correlation between open-mindedness of an individual to the Fantasy genre and their willingness to drink and enjoy Diet Mt. Dew. In our studies, this positive correlation is wildy magnified when considering the age of the individual studied and their virginity status. Needless to say, the state Utah is struggling to keep up with the Diet Mt. Dew demand of its citizens. Some have wondered if consumption of Diet Mt. Dew makes it difficult for virgins to become deflowered, while others claim that virgins/fantasy fans are genetically predisposed to seek out Diet Mt. Dew. Further studies are needed to determine the exact cause.

Please continue to read as I publish the remaining results of the study; including "Soda and Economic Standing" and other findings.

-Baercat