Review City, USA

Joel's Semi-Exhaustive Review of Soda Part II

2011-05-24T17:18:00.000-06:00

In the past two years, the world has seen substantial changes:

1) Sweeping overthrow of oppressive governments in Northern Africa and the middle-east.
2) Destructive Tsunamis have caused mayhem in Japan and the Pacific.
3) Wars and rumors of wars.
4) Those crying "Lo here!" and "Lo there!" falsely predicting the second coming.
5) Some other stuff.

Most importantly, the last two years have allowed me to pursue what I perceive as a critical need in the study of soda(s). It has taken me until now to complete the most recent phase of intense research and clinical studies, and I shall publish my findings here, to the leading clinical publication in all scholarly topics: reviewcityusa.

Soda and Gender:

Women are the lifeblood of our humanoid race, and are responsible for the renewal of our species as well as 84% of all reported traffic accidents/infractions worldwide. The variance of their interests scales the full breadth of human experience, although scientists and clinicians have identified one element common to all females: if given only one choice of beverage, 100% of females will choose Diet Coke (assuming Fiji Water is not an option).

Conversely, heterosexual males will initially suffer a gag-response to their first taste of Diet Coke and must be conditioned to accept the beverage (either by mixing it into a hybrid Diet Coke/Dr. Pepper beverage or by adding prolific amounts of lemon or lime juice). Women find the taste immediately enjoyable, even while rejecting the scientifically proven superior formula of regular Coca-Cola. To explain this phenomenon, allow me to draw from the recent documentary film Napoleon Dynamite. The title-character Napoleon aptly notices that his lady-interest is drinking 1% Milk, whereupon he asks her "Why are you drinking 1% milk? Do you think you're fat?"

Undoubtedly, the answer is yes- she does think she's fat, and this explains her choice of 1% milk as well as society's choice of diet soda in general. Those drinking diet are convinced they are either fat, or going to become fat from drinking regular soda. According to my studies, there was even a small group of frequent Wal-Mart shoppers that were under the unfortunate delusion that diet soda will cause weight loss. Combined with Meth, their hypothesis is correct. However, combined with copious amounts of flamin' hot cheetos and the McRib Sandwich, the results are catastrophic.

On a personal note, I realized the threat of regular soda after going through approx 120 cans of throwback Pepsi during the winter months of 2010. The damage to my body was drastic, evidenced by a 4 inch layer of blubber which congealed around my buttocks, stomach, hands, and face, and private parts.

Diet and Genre:

Some astonishing developments have happened within the past 2 months. Not only have I undertaken reading an incredibly in-depth 7 book Fantasy novel series, but I have also discovered the joy of Diet Mt. Dew. I mention these together because the link should not be surprising. Statistically, there is a positive correlation between open-mindedness of an individual to the Fantasy genre and their willingness to drink and enjoy Diet Mt. Dew. In our studies, this positive correlation is wildy magnified when considering the age of the individual studied and their virginity status. Needless to say, the state Utah is struggling to keep up with the Diet Mt. Dew demand of its citizens. Some have wondered if consumption of Diet Mt. Dew makes it difficult for virgins to become deflowered, while others claim that virgins/fantasy fans are genetically predisposed to seek out Diet Mt. Dew. Further studies are needed to determine the exact cause.

Please continue to read as I publish the remaining results of the study; including "Soda and Economic Standing" and other findings.

-Baercat

All-time Best Music Videos

2010-05-22T13:05:00.003-06:00

10) "Where the Streets Have No Name"

9) "Give it Away"

8) "Where it's At"

7) "Everlong"

6) "Fell in Love with a Girl"

5) "Thriller"

4) "Buddy Holly"

3) "1979"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrivjzw0RlI&feature=PlayList&p=9605C2E59B55DDAC&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=43

2) "Sabotage"

1) "Smooth Criminal"

I know what you're thinking--we all could have done without that weird part in the middle. But it's an amazing song with some of the best dancing ever, and it wouldn't be Michael Jackson without something awkward in it.

Honorable mention:

One More Look-a-Like

2009-04-05T15:50:00.001-06:00

Look-a-Likes

2009-03-26T00:25:00.023-06:00

I know these pictures have been on Facebook for about a year now, but I figured some of you might not have seen them. Also, since there haven't been many new posts lately I was hoping this might get the ball rolling again. We have to make sure Review City remains the number one blog in America, which shouldn't be that hard considering Hasselhoff is our only competition.

Britpop

2009-03-05T14:32:00.004-07:00

I'm going to go ahead and say I like Coldplay's new album. And "Yellow" is and always will be a damn good song.

Radiohead has transcended the genre. They've put out a few turds, but it's entirely forgivable considering how awesome their good stuff is. And In Rainbows is one of their best albums.

Never really got into Blur.

This is going to upset Chairman Mel considerably, but Oasis is only as famous as they are because of their massive egos and temper tantrums. They put out some great songs in the 90s, but who didn't? Does that qualify 10,000 Maniacs and Crash Test Dummies to be in the top 10 bands ever, Melzer?

Teenage Fanclub is a little underrated. Good, not great.

Late 90s/2000s Britpop=I'm not interested. Doves/Muse/Elbow are uninteresting.

All in all, Britpop is a disappointment of a genre. Not nearly as good as its influences, like post-grunge.

Ferociousnate reviews the Business Traveler

2009-03-01T10:10:00.004-07:00

As some of you may already know, I've been on a business trip for the last couple of weeks. Three cities + two weeks = massive business trip. I have some very insightful observations about the business traveler world which I would like to share with you. This is a bizarre world which most of us observe from the outside, and don't really get to see the inside perspective. I hope this review will help you better understand business travelers in case of future interactions. Having said that, you're going to want to avoid interacting with these people as much as possible.

Business travelers are all about appealing to as many audiences as possible. They want everyone to do business with them. They want to "play it safe" in everything they do so as to not turn anyone off to their business.

The Tuck
This is the a great example of trying to appeal to a wide audience. The business traveler's idea is, "Hey, I want to look corporate and professional, so I'll wear a dress shirt. But, I also want to look hip, and casual, so I'll wear jeans." Unfortunately, tucking a frumpy dress shirt into baggy jeans does not dress up the jeans or dress down the shirt. This is a lateral movement in the direction of Squaresville, USA.

Black Leather Bag
This is a staple to the business traveler and what they believe to be the most essential business accessory of all time. If someone shows up with a brown leather bag, or a canvas bag, they are immediately denounced as "unprofessional" and apparently not worth doing business with. To most people, black leather is associated with bikers and dominatrices. I'm not sure why business people think it is "professional".

The Phone clip
Because time is money and you're saving time by having your phone that much more accessible. Leaving it in your pocket is "inefficient" and not good business. Wearing one of these on your belt could be the third worst sin behind fornication and murder.

Musical Taste
The business traveler needs to be on the ball with all of the hot new artists. To the business traveler, Coldplay is "all the rage these days". Everybody is listening to them and they have a really chill sound. On the other hand, if you want to get into the underground scene, you want to listen to Radiohead. They are more of the college scene and they are "hip and original". Music is great and all, but business travelers will also try and wow you with their knowledge of other forms of entertainment. The most innovative form of entertainment is of course the Blue Man Group. These guys have incorporated so much into their act. Audio and visual. Sometimes they even hit those drums and you can actually get hit by the water that sprays off. Wow!

Like I said previously, hopefully this helps you to better understand business travelers so you can avoid them in the future.

Forrest Gump rebuttal: Jake Melzer hates America

2009-02-28T20:45:00.004-07:00

The purpose of this post is twofold: to reestablish Forrest Gump in the canon of great American movies, and to prove unequivocally that Jake Melzer hates America.

Melzer makes, or should I say compiles, some good points in his review. The plot of the movie is clearly far-fetched and appears to reward stupidity. It’s easy to see why someone such as Melzer might think this makes Forrest Gump a bad movie. But beneath the cool, critical façade of a Forrest Gump hater lies a seditious authoritarian philosophy.

On the first point, I’m going to call out Melzer on his recent applause of the Academy’s decision to name Slumdog Millionaire as Best Picture of 2008. One minute Melzer pretends to hate illogical movies, and the next he’s proclaiming a fairy tale the best picture of the year. On sheer inconsistency, this argument holds no water.

The second point is a little trickier to deal with. Is Forrest Gump a demonstrable idiot who succeeds at everything in life? Yes. Does Jenny, the curious, sexually liberated love interest find anything but misery and squalor in her explorations? No. According to Melzer, this means that the writer of the film and everyone who enjoys it believes that no ability is required to succeed in life and that curiosity and intellectualism should be rewarded with death by STD.

This is too simplistic an argument. Let’s consider two works by the master novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky. In The Idiot, the pure-hearted Prince Myshkin lives a life of blameless honesty, only to watch his life and that of those around him wind up in hopeless tragedy. In Crime & Punishment, the protagonist murders and robs his landlady and her servant, but eventually finds a kind of redemption in his relationship with a former prostitute. Were we to apply Melzer’s reasoning to these novels, we would have to conclude that Dostoevsky believed that the true path to happiness was not humble service but murder, thievery, and prostitution. Anyone who has read a work by this supremely ethical novelist would have to agree that the idea is preposterous.

If Forrest Gump does not reward stupidity, what is the message of the movie? Since Melzer possessives a subversive ulterior motive in his critique--which will soon become clear—he is deliberately reading too literally what is meant to be viewed as allegory.

The crucial first step in understanding the allegory is to reconsider the definition of “intelligence,” after which Melzer’s criticism of Forrest Gump suddenly becomes callous and elitist. If intelligence can only be measured by standardized testing, then yes, Chairman Mel, Forrest Gump is a certifiable idiot. But by that measure, black Americans and children from low-income homes are less intelligent on the whole than white, middle-class Americans. Are you a racist, too, Melzer?? Possibly, but that’s a separate discussion. What is clear is that Melzer is betraying a clear bias towards only one kind of intelligence: book smarts.

Forrest Gump can put together a gun faster than anyone else in his platoon. Do we call the rest of his platoon idiots in comparison to his mechanical genius? He plays Olympic table tennis. Are athletes idiots, Melzer, simply because their intelligence lies in their coordination as opposed to their capacity for pointless philosophical exercises? Additionally, Forrest is obedient, helpful, and humble. If the SAT could measure such a thing as “moral intelligence,” Jake Melzer would be a chowderhead by comparison.

The point of the allegory is that anyone can succeed in America. In other countries, biases toward book smarts bar the average person from breaking into the good life. Success is meted out from a rigidly meritocratic ivory tower. In America, success—like power—comes from the bottom up. It is not institutional eggheads that decide who succeeds and who fails, but the common person. This means that all sorts of intelligence are recognized and rewarded, not just the ability to perform well on standardized tests.

Who would be unhappy with such a country? If you follow the money, you can see that ivory tower academicians might be a little miffed at sharing their power with the common man.

FACT: Jacob Melzer was once employed by Brigham Young University, an accredited university, where he had frequent contact with professors.

FACT: Jacob Melzer cites a professor in his review of Forrest Gump.

Clearly, Jake Melzer prefers a country where one can only succeed with the right skin color and test scores. He is bitter, like most academics, with his failure to gain popularity and money through natural talent and a foundation of solid morals. When he sees others succeed, he cannot resist trying to bring them down. What he and other communists (“Chairman Mel?” Could he be more flagrant about his authoritarian sympathies?) don’t understand is that bringing Forrest Gump down won’t raise him up.

But what about Jenny, you say? What does her failure mean in this allegory? As you’ll recall, Jenny’s father sexually abused her. This locked her into a psychological patriarchal dependence, causing her to seek in vain for approval from abusive father figures. The brave Forrest, in contrast, was able to break free from the generational pattern of subservience in the same way that our Founding Fathers declared independence from tyranny.

Similar to Jenny, Melzer is emotionally stunted, needing validation from above in the form of good grades—grades which mean nothing in the real world. Having failed to break into middle management in corporate Korea, Melzer will soon run off to lick his wounds in Panama, where he will try to impress the natives into regarding him as a leader with his theories of commodity fetishism and the labor theory of value.

As you can see, critics of Forrest Gump hate the free enterprise system and would rather hoard authority for themselves. Also, Melzer misused the word “disingenuous” in his review.

NBA All-Ugly Team

2009-02-25T18:54:00.003-07:00

PG- Sam Cassell- You're probably thinking that I just put up a picture of the hideous skeleton on tales from the crypt. Incorrect. Though I'm fairly confident that the skeleton's appearance was based on Cassell.
SG- Delonte West Misshaped head, what appears to be herpes of the mouth, and you can't tell from the picture but he's aslo a redhead, which is disgusting.
SF- Scottie Pippen. One of the reasons that Michael Jordan had so much success was that opposing defenses were constantly looking at Pippen in an attempt to figure out what exactly he was.
PF- Pau Gasol- This picture is the least flattering picture taken of him, but still, the camera doesn't lie.
C- Popeye Jones- I'm not sure what to say about this one.
The Bench
Chris Kaman
Brian "D'Agostini" Scalabrine
Greg Ostertag
Robert Swift
Larry Bird
Joakim Noah

Academy Award Rebuttal

2009-02-23T15:30:00.004-07:00

Melzer may have made some good points with his review of the Academy Awards, but readers need to keep a few things in mind. First of all, Melzer named the movie We Were Soldiers as the best World War II film. That alone should discredit him from being any sort of movie critic. I don't have time to list off all of Melzer's horrible movie claims, but just know that he calls Forrest Gump, one of the most enjoyable movies made, a horrible film, yet he recently viewed the disastrous Defiance and said it was well done. My point being Melzer's movie critiquing resume is far from spotless.
With that being said I feel that this site needs another voice for this sensitive topic. Melzer is in no way allowed to be the voice of this blog with such poor credentials. I agree that I would probably watch Pulp Fiction, Shawshank Redeption and Quiz Show over Forrest Gump. Those three films are some of my favorites of all time, but Forrest Gump is in no way a horrible movie. Melzer is spot on about Fargo. It's probably the Coen brothers finest film and should have beaten out the English Patient. Actually, I never saw The Enlgish Patient but I did see the Seinfeld episode that referenced it and I will never disagree with any of Jerry's opinions, or fashion choices.
Actually, most of Melzer's remarks were pretty accurate. My main beef with his review, and most people's opinions for that matter, is about Slumdog Millionaire. I saw this movie and I can't say that I wasn't entertained. It was well done and told a gripping story. But those are in no way grounds for best picture. Bobby wrote a stirring review of the movie that he no doubt spent restless nights pondering over. His review is very well done, but Bobby's an English Lit. major. He's trained to look for themes and vignettes in everything. His review was excellent and would have received an A in any English class, but I don't think the movie was as deep as Bobby made it out to be. Bobby could do a thorough review of Rob Schneider's The Animal and make it seem timeless.
The problem with Slumdog Millionaire is that it's simply a far-fetched Hollywood-esque love story. A good one, but not best picture worthy. The movie offered an insightful look into the social structure of India, but the plot was so unbelievable that it was hard to take the film serious. Ironically, Slumdog Millionaire is in many ways an Indian Forrest Gump (more evidence of the inconsitencies of Melzer). Both films lead characters are supposed to serve as microcosms of their nations society. The problem is that the stories are so grandiose and improbable that it's hard for the films to really resonate anything other than good story telling. Both films are good, but neither should have won for Best Picture. Best pictures should be moving films that are in touch with reality and therefore relatable and inspirational. Slumdog Millionaire was simply a well told fairy tale and that's not good enough to become film of the year. By those standards Shrek could have won.

Joel Reviews Ways to Have Genitals Removed

2009-02-17T22:15:00.002-07:00

Pets are:

Lovable. Fun. Furry. Loving. Gentle. Insightful. Protective. Plesant. Law-Abiding. Non-judgmental. Athletic. Peaceable. Murderous?????????

They have been described as our best friends, but they do require significant care and attention. Before taking on a pet, all potential owners should be aware of a pet's needs. After all, they depend on humans for everything. They need humans for nurturing companionship, shelter, sometimes clothing, and food. And if they aren't provided with food, they'll start eating strange things. My dog Jesse was horribly stupid. He was provided with delicious, nutritious food. Sometimes I'd feed him little smokies, bacon, or other meaty snacks. Despite his luxurious diet, occasionally I would still catch him eating his own fecal matter. Why?

Me: "Hey Jesse, here's some delicious polish sausage."

Jesse: "Thanks, but I just ate a 1/4 pound of my own poopy crap. Maybe next time"

Me: "What?....Why??"

Jesse: (shrugs, lighting a cigarette)

Fecal matter is one thing, but it's completely harmless compared to this.

Horrifying. By all accounts, this is the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. At the bottom of the article, it asks the reader what should happen to the dog. I think the dog should be given to the juiceman. Once juiced, the juice should be symbolically offered to the child whose life it ruined. Then, the dog should go to hell- where it can frolic with other genital eating Dachshunds, Adolf Hitler, and where it can prepare for the grand arrival of Julia Roberts, Goldie Hawn and Rick Fox.

It should never be the case that "Dachshund attack" would be only the 2nd worst way to have your genitals removed. What could be worse than having a dog attack and consume your thingy?

This nightmare.

Don't be fooled. Chimps are not fun-loving, laid back horse trainers like most of us believe. They are murderers, and in the cage for a reason. Because they will eat your nose and genitals- then they'll laugh about it.

If you're going to get a pet, get a Mogwai.

Bonus Link: This.

best music video featuring Katie Holmes

2009-02-16T21:58:00.001-07:00

Also, Katie Holmes' best performance.

Bob reviews different modes of communication

2009-02-12T21:58:00.003-07:00

We live in the Information Age. Didn't know that? Wake up!

Chances are, if you don't know about the Information Age, a Chinese person has already taken your job. What is information with no way to communicate it? So here is my review of communicating.

Magazines - Magazines can be a great way to learn about the world. National Geographic is particularly great, as long as you don't get bogged down in an article (boring!). Celebrity gossip magazines such as US Weekly and sports magazines such as ESPN the Magazine are indispensable tools in navigating our complex modern world. The big downside of magazines: not many of us write for them, so it's hard to give your friends a shout-out.

Web 2.0 - Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, blogging. These are all great ways to keep tabs on current friends, friends you once cared about, awkward people who are trying to hang out with you, people you once dated, and girls you're stalking. And if it weren't for blogs, you wouldn't be reading this right now. This brings us to the next mode:

Meta-communication - Put simply, this is communicating about communication. Ever made a Facebook joke? That's meta-communcation, sir. In the postmodern world, self-referentiality is key. Wrap your head around it, because India already has.

Email - It's hard to imagine how anybody worked, lived, or delivered jilted rants at 3 am before email. I'm pretty sure that pre-1993 office workers accomplished nothing except planning Christmas parties.

Fax - Worthless technology. See "email."

Text messages - Texting is much maligned outside the realm of teenage Japanese girls, but face it, we all use it. Texting is a great way to communicate just the necessary facts without the inefficient etiquette of a phone call. In today's economy, efficiency is key. Texting can also be a great way to flirt with a person for whom a phone call would be too onerous.

Telephone - Another mode of communication that is going the way of the dinosaur. Phone conversations are notorious for lasting too long, being too intrusive, being filled with pressure, and betraying one's nervousness. The telephone is an awful form of communication.

Homing pigeon, telegraph, radio, sign language - These modes of communication are hopelessly outdated, but serve to remind us how inventive and silly humans can be when it comes to communicating.

MP3 - This piece of communication has singlehandedly gutted the most sinister industry in the world--the music industry. It also exposed Lars Ulrich as being a whiny baby. Napster was a celestial leap forward in the development of mankind, but unfortunately we were not ready for it, similar to how the early saints were not ready for the United Order.

Face to face - It's crazy, but some people have not grasped the full utility of electronically based communication. This forces the rest of us to have to speak to them in person. You still have to visit your grandma because she can't check her email without your cousin's help. Many unnecessary dates occur because of incompetent Facebook flirters. The upside of face-to-face communication: can segue into massages.

Juicy Couture

2009-02-12T15:50:00.003-07:00

I would take juice over soda (with some exceptions) any day. This is my juice review.

Best Orange Juice: Naked OJ
This juice is SO good! I can no longer drink any other kind. I would say 95% of the orange juices found on the shelves at your local grocer are a huge and embarrassing disgrace to the Orange. Naked OJ takes the cake for best orange juice by far. Worth every penny.

Best Apple Juice: Simply Apple
Quite possibly the greatest juice ever? Somewhat new to the shelves, but guaranteed to be around for awhile. This apple juice has a delicious dirt / earthy taste that will knock your socks off and take you back to your high school days when you were a study buddy after school and would drink organic apple juice in miniature cups. Similar to the juice above, you will not be able to stop drinking it. Simply Apple also goes with EVERYTHING . . . pizza, gold fish, burritos, nachos, string cheese, ANYTHING. The bottle is an optical illusion. There is not as much in there as you would think. One bottle = one serving size.

Best Grape Juice: Newman's Own Gorilla Grape
Great name, great taste.

Best Smoothie Juice: Naked Mighty Mango
Do I dare say all Naked Juices are pretty dependable? You may be taken back at first with the thick consistency of the Mighty Mango Juice Smoothie, but will learn to love it quickly. Mighty Mango is tangy and dangerous and wildly refreshing . . . it will leave you wondering why you ever settled for a Hansen's Smoothie Juice.

Best Protein Juice: Odwalla's Vanilla Al'Mondo Protein
Organic soymilk! Organic oatmilk! Bananas! Ground almonds! The PERFECT dairy free combination! If you're particularly interested in watered down beverages like myself, this one is definitely for you. At first it seems like there is vital ingredient missing with this drink, but the more you drink it, the more you realize, additional flavor would only ruin this perfect chemistry between the almond and the vanilla. This drink is not for everyone though . . . if you prefer a grittier protein shake, go with the Naked Protein Zone because that one is so good too, and so gritty it leaves your teeth feeling like they're wearing a winter wool sweater.

Best Antioxidant Juice: Sambazon Açai
One time some friends and I worked an event in Park City for the film festival because we were told there were going to be some hot A listers (like Orlando Bloom) there. We couldn't turn the opportunity down because Amanda's mom had a dream once that Amanda was supposed to marry Orlando Bloom, so naturally we thought it would only take one glance for her destiny to come true. Turns out, the only celebs we saw that night were Moby (and his crappy embarrassment of a side project band) and Danny Glover. Who hasn't seen Danny Glover in Utah? I saw him two weeks after that at PF Chang's in Orem. ANYWAY, the only thing that got us through that night were the endless Açai drinks. SO good and SO good for you!

Best Laxative Juice: Sunsweet Prune
Bladder infection? This is what you want. Also a great source of potassium. Foods that contain potassium have been scientifically proven to help prevent hypertension and stroke. Cardiovascular disease is the leading cause of death in the United States.

Most Interesting Juice: POM
Wether you're drinking this juice to build your glass collection or simply for image, there is something you need to know about this stuff. POM Wonderful has spent over $20 million (a nearly unprecedented amount for the food industry) to fund research into the health qualities of pomegranates. In some of the studies it has sponsored, researchers have used animal testing. In response, the company has received some negative publicity from animal rights activists, including the animal rights group PETA — supported by actress Pamela Anderson. On another note, I would like to say that cold pomegranate seeds are a very under-appreciated treat. The texture and taste is far superior to other fruits, and I predict that one day these little seeds will be as mainstream as purple grapes.

Regrettable CD Purchases

2009-02-11T15:02:00.006-07:00

Candlebox- This was my first CD purchase. "Far Behind" took me by storm and I had to buy this CD at the Tooele Wal-Mart in 6th grade. If you watch this video I'm sure you will understand my reasoning.
Cherry Poppin' Daddies- I made this purchase when I went through a strong ska phase. I had thoroughly abused my Less Than Jake CDs and was looking for something fresh. This album was recommended at my local CD store and I couldn't resist. I was really feeling "Zoot Suit Riot" but immediatelty regretted the purchase after listening to the rest of the album.
Yankee Grey- I was a confused person my sophomore year of high school. I was experimenting with new fashions, my favorite being an upside down golf visor I wore backwards. I was also trying to set myself apart musically. All my bball team friends listend to rap and my boogie boarding friends liked punk. I was over both and wanted to start listening to something nobody else was. Country was a logical choice. I still stand by Toby Keith and Tim McGraw but I can no longer endorse Yankee Grey. That melody though! Just watch the video, it's hard to disagree with.
Dashboard Confessional- I will defend emo to my death. Especially when you look back at what was happening musically in the late 90s. Cher's comeback, TLC, Korn, etc. It was horrible. Emo was a new sound and considering all the teen angst and girl frustrations I had brewing inside of me it was only natural to embrace emo. I don't regret a lot of the emo I listened to, but I probably indulged excessively when I got into Dashboard. If I found out that someone had video footage of me screaming along to Dashboard in my freshman year dormroom I would pay any price to have that footage destroyed.
Britney Spears- This was actually a CD I bought for a girl that I had just started dating after my mission. Her birthday occurred roughly two weeks after we started dating. I didn't know much about her so I figured that a Britney Spears CD was safe. I was incredibly embarrassed when she opened up the gift. Especially when I realized that I spelled her name wrong on the card. It's shocking that I am still single.

*Note* I just watched the Dashboard Confessional video. I'm considering re-purchasing this album.

Things Provo is Currently Missing

2009-02-11T11:56:00.006-07:00

Smart Brothers - Their love and passion for organizing trips to the Mona rope swing, going to J-Dawgs, and any outdoor activity.
Garlock Brothers - Extensive in depth conversations with Joe and John's willingness to do anything at anytime and form/coach softball teams.
The Brothers Billings - Two great guys to have around in any situation, especially to piss off Lloyd.
The White Trash House - Provo is currently missing most of the residents that lived here from Fall 2006-Spring 2007. Mainly hanging out and having jam sessions with members of The Protons, and of course Wren.
Blington - Daily trips to Costco, Blockbuster, and every fast food restaurant in Provo. Also now that he is gone, no one is being stalked.
Shields - Without her there is no one to stop by and visit at anytime of the day, you would mostly find her working on her laptop in her bed. The one above is mostly missed by her.
Whiffle Ball and Batting Practice - Our all star team that owned the school on Center Street back in '07, along with the alternates; Gonzalo, Jose, and a few other random Provo natives.
Hammer/Rifle - The Good Ole Days.
Bardhi - Without him the Provo indie crowd has no foreigner to praise and follow.
Phil, Melzer, JP, and Bobby - All four are instantly likable guys that Provo desperately needs to come back.
The Flames & Hondamatic - The streets of Provo will never be the same until these two hot rides make their way back here.
Jerry's - Never actually ate there myself, but I have heard from many credible sources that this was the best burger in the Utah Valley.
Pup Pup & Diva - Now would be a good time to have a dog in Provo. Preferably Diva, since Pup Pup was a smelly untrained ragity mut.
The Seahawk 2 - Mainly missing the weather we enjoyed when we floated the Provo River in this inflatable boat twice in three days.
Tanner Zemp - Haha, no one really misses this guy at all.

Best Sporting Events I Saw Live

2009-02-10T01:38:00.003-07:00

This is a list of the best plays that I have ever seen. In order to make the list I had to have actually seen these plays as they unfolded. I wasn't in attendance, but I did see them live on TV. These moments are the collective holy grail of my countless hours of watching sports.
Columbia's own goal. Not only was this a huge goal for America, but it ended with Andres Escobar being shot twelve times while his murderer yelled "GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!" during the firing. This sounds like a tacky American joke, but it is entirely true.
Bryce Drew leads no. 13 seed Valparaiso to win over no. 4 Ole Miss. The ball is at the other end of the court with 2.3 seconds left before Drew nails his three. I got accepted by Valparaiso Law School recently and might attend the school simply because of this shot.
Boise State runs two of oldest tricks in the book to win the Fiesta Bowl. There is a proposal at the end for any girls who might be reading this blog. Girls are so lame!!!
This is possibly the most underrated football play of all time. Donovan McNabb scrambles for 14 seconds before throwing a perfect 60 yard strike to Fred-ex. The only better throw that I know of was my 97 yard TD pass to Erik Shepner in 1999. I have the video still if you are interested.
Shaq bringing down the hoop. It's impossible to put into words the sheer elation that a child feels when he watches Shaq O'neal bring down a basketball standard. Looking back this was probably a publicity stunt.
Don Beebe sprints 50 yards to knock the ball loose inches from the goal line causing a touchback for the Bills. I suspect Mormon fathers loved the hustle from this scrappy athlete.
The Jazz had been killing the Nuggets all night before Rodney Rogers hits 3 threes in less than 10 seconds to put the Nuggets ahead with 20 seconds to go. One of the most clutch moments I have ever seen. Unfortunately the video cuts short Jeff Malone hitting a twenty footer for the win moments later.
I loved Jake the Snake for natural reasons but I fell in love with him even more when he stole Tedd Dibiasi's million dollar belt and put it in what appears to be a harmless burlap sack. BUT skid ahead to the seven minute mark and you'll find out that Jake the Snake has a little surprise for this elitist douche bag.
Stockton taking the Jazz to the finals. Few will care about this shot, but this shot forced me to sprint out of my house and run in the streets. I don't think I will ever witness a greater moment in my life. Plus, Stockton and Sloan showed more emotion in these few seconds than they combined 38 years they were in Utah.
I could probably come up with more but it's 3 AM.

Joel's Semi-Exhaustive Review of Soda Part 1

2009-02-09T23:51:00.001-07:00

"Soda" is created when carbon dioxide is injected into a liquid. Known also as soft drinks, fountain drinks, soda pop, or just simply as "pop," whatever you want to call it- soda is delicious and is here to stay. No matter the occasion, soda hits the spot every time. One could be attending a funeral, taking a test, driving a hybrid, saving Darfur, meeting with a client, running a marathon, fighting a war, navigating a desert by foot or even just relaxing at home- it is always appropriate to pause for a gulp of the sweet stuff.

As "The Preacher" (the son of David- see Ecl. 3:1) wrote and the Byrds sang, "to every thing (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven," (cue jangly guitar riff). Long before David Crosby donated his own semen for the artificial impregnation of Melissa Etheridge's lady-partner; he was doing other rad stuff- like singing about Old-Testament proverbs. No doubt both Preacher and Crosby had one thing in mind in penning and crooning these wise words: soda.

Having recently fallen back off the proverbial soda-wagon after a 5 week hiatus, I hereby dedicate this post to reviewing various sodas (or sodii) and their respective seasons of enjoyment.

Larvae Stage: Children enjoy inferior foods. Kraft Single? You bet! Cold hot dogs? Delish! Creamy Peanut Butter? Hooray!! Soggy piece of bread that has been forgotten in the toddler's clamped hand for the last 45 minutes? Nummy!! I used to enjoy my favorite meal as a youngster which was prepared by following these simple steps:

1) Place one piece of white bread on microwavable plate
2) Place one slice of "Oscar-Meyer" baloney on white bread
3) Top off with an unwrapped kraft single
4) Microwave on high for 15-20 seconds (or until baloney "pops" and everything is disgusting)
5) Laugh at the popping sound- remove from microwave
6) Serve hot

I tell this story not just to explain why I did not grow to my full potential, but to illustrate that tastes change. Why should it be any different with sodas? Just as children enjoy filthy and disgusting foods, they are often found drinking disgusting sodas. In a recent poll of toddlers, these sodas were found most enjoyable:

67% preferred Orange Hi-C/Crush/Fanta
14% drew a faintly discernable horse/dinosaur
12% preferred Grape Soda
4% preferred anything generic (Dr. A+, anything from the "Shasta" soda collection)
3% wrote only "sippy cup"

These sodas should only be consumed by adults in exceptional occasions where there are no other options (coming late to a BBQ where the good drinks are gone, attending a church party, stealing from a roommate).

*It should be noted here that Sean Hetherington is tragically stuck in this food phase.

Akward Tween/Teen Phase: This phase is all about trying to impress the opposite sex and increase social standing amongst peers. As changes in the body are rampant, it can be a confusing time for these poor, troubled guys. Not suprisingly, they miss the mark a little here as well while trying to fit in and figure out their own tastes. This unfortunate group embraces 2 major sodas:

#1) Mountain Dew. Most teens prefer this beverage because of the "extreme" or "rebellious" stigma associated with it. While the taste is very similar to Sprite or 7up, teens won't be caught drinking those in public. Plus, the caffeine helps the teens wake up and get off to school, where they busily spend the day lying about sexual experiences, pretending not to be interested in any of their subjects, and complaining about their parents. Although they are hyper-sensitive to any comment, inadvertant glance, or suggestion- they must appear not to be. Some former teens that never fully adjust to adult life retain this beverage as a daily foodstuff. Among them are construction workers, computer programmers, gamers, rednecks, guitar center employees, and adult losers in general.

#2) Cherry Coke. The Teenage years are years for peaked consumption of fast food, and nothing tops off a horrible meal like this trashy soda. I admit, the immediate flavor is rewarding and full-bodied, but the aftertaste alone is not worth the temptation. Enjoyers of this drink suffer from terrible breath being cheif amongst a myriad of other challenges. This is the Mitsubishi Eclipse of the soda world. It is inexplicably popular with teens, yet totally sub-par overall and inappropriate for consumption as an adult.

Please stay tuned for Part 2 of this feature, including girl sodas, appropriate adult sodas, sodas for geniuses, and MORE. COMING SOON!

Ten Moments I Wish I Had On Video

2009-02-09T22:54:00.005-07:00

10. Uncle Doug pissed off in Ophir - Mainly just cause I wasn't there for this. I really wish i could see Dan Smock's reaction when Jake and Greg's 6'-9" uncle yelled at everyone for coughing and popping popcorn in their cabin.

9. Greg flipping out at Jake - For some reason I am very entertained whenever these two brothers get into an argument. The one I am referring to here is when Jake parked Greg's car in a ditch, the next morning Greg let Jake hear it for being irresponsible and lazy along with many other verbal assaults. No offense to Greg who is the nicest guy i know.

8. Nicky and Aaron getting scared - Thinking they were scaring another group of people Jake devised the perfect plot to scare my brother and Nick. Nick was on crutches at the time and admitted to almost falling over due to pure terror while everyone else in the group ran away in fear. Aaron admitted to still being shook up an hour after the scare.

7. Blackest Heart night - The only reason this isn't higher on the list is because we do have this concert on video, but I really wish we had it in better quality. The very same night Micah Mathis beat the hell out of someone in the Belmont quad. I know we all wish we were able to see again how fast this friendly snowball fight escalated to a fist fight.

6. Spin the Bottle - For a game that started out as a joke and ended up leading to two sleepovers, this would be a night worth watching again. Plus we need some proof that the River Trout actually played because that was the biggest surprise of the night/year.

5. Melzer's Life - Due to how much I enjoy hanging out with Melzer a handful of times a month, I would love to have a video of a day in the life of Melzer. Preferably during one of his solo international vacations.

4. Less than Jake - Most of us know about the time, many years ago, when Jake attending a Less than Jake concert. Jake, being poked fun at for wearing a Less than Jake shirt to the concert, decided it would be better to enjoy the rest of the concert shirtless. So who wouldn't want to see a thirteen year old Jake Smart skanking shirtless at a ska show?

3. All-Star cameo at 24 - As Joel and Jake were waiting to jump on the basketball court for the next game, a player on one of the current teams had to leave ("...probably the best player on the floor."-Jake) So Joel being the competitor he is jumped up and joined the team that was down 9-10. Joel got open and let a three point shot fly, only to come up a foot or so short. The opposing team got the rebound drove down and won the game. A huge Tongan proceeded to slam the ball against the ground and yell profanities in pure anger.

2. The Stonesifer Incident - This story has been misconstrued by many, but I know the few of us that know the truth behind this dramatic trip to Ophir would love to be able to witness this event on video for ourselves.

1. The Dirt Mound - It has been a year now since I took the hardest fall of my life. As I ran down a mound of dirt only to lose control and bounce off the ground like a drunken hobo, I heard an eruption of laughter from some of my closest friends. At first I was kind of pissed off everyone was just laughing but as I imagined what I must have looked like taking that hard fall, I realized it was worth a good laugh. To this day I know, if this were on video, it would be one of the funniest on youtube.

Made Up Moments I Wish I Had On Video

1. Catano's friends doing back flips on the water slides at Seven Peaks

A Review of Character

2009-02-09T01:24:00.004-07:00

One of my new years resolutions was to be more complimentary. It's February and I haven't been doing very well thus far. In an effort to fulfill this resolution I have decided to post some of the attributes of the contributors to this blog.
Brandon- Over the past few years the nick-name Wild Thing has created a false persona. Brandon is typically quiet when he first meets people, so when people hear that his nickname is Wild Thing they assume this shyness means he is a true a-hole. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Brandon is a true softy who would drop anything to help someone out in need. So, the next time you are at a party don't let his reputation precede him. Go talk to him and you will find out that there is very little reason to fear this so called Wild Thing.
Joel- It's hard to believe that the lead singer of Utah's finest rock and roll band was once an AP in the Toronto Mission. It's not surprising if you know him, but if your only exposure to Joel is through The Protons you might not suspect that someone who can rock so hard on stage could rock even harder in the mission field. I have heard reports from many that Elder Baer was one of the finest missionaries they knew and that he helped numerous amounts of missionaries fulfill their callings. His missionary spirit hasn't been lost over the years either. I doubt I could have come to grips with the doctrine of Zelph if it were not for Joel Baer.
Sean- When Sean and I were working as skilled carpenters in San Diego this last fall there was a special person in our ward who most, myself included, found too annoying to befriend. Sean on the other hand immediately got to know him and even gave him his phone number to hang out sometime. Sean told him that Thursdays would be a good day to hang out if he wanted and he proceeded to call Sean every Thursday for the next two months. Most of us would have screened his calls or come up with excuses to not hang out with him, but Sean went out to dinner with him a number of times and picked him up for church regularly. The way Sean befriended this young man helped me to fully realize what a dick I am and has led me to consider some changes in my life.
Nate- Nate is a true giver. This goes deeper than the baked good he routinely makes and gives to others. Nate is always willing to give of himself in anyway. Everyone engages in small talk, but while most of us disingenuously listen to others, Nate takes full interest and his enthusiastic "Oh, wow" and "yeah!" remarks make us all feel that we are important people. If anybody dislikes Nate Barnes there is something truly wrong with that person. I suspect that Lord Ambrosia probably doesn't like him.
Tara- Not only is Tara one of the most hotly pursued items in both the Utah and Salt Lake Valley, she also has a heart of gold. Tara hangs around with some of the most cynical, belittling guys you can imagine yet she never has a negative word to say about anyone. Even when it is clear that the subject being discussed is deserving of the verbal tirade they are receiving, Tara will typically find a way to shed some positive light on the situation. This can be a real buzzkill at times, but Tara's unwavering commitment to being positive has been an example to all of us.
Bobby- Bobby is perhaps the most enjoyable person to have around in a group. He is incredibly generous with his laughs and makes everyone feel like they are a funny, fun person to be around. If I were to make a list of people who I would most like to bring along on a road trip (which I will at some point) Bobby would be at the top of the list, while John Malfatto would be at the very bottom. Some people just make things infinitely more fun and Bobby is perhaps the best person I know at doing that.
Melzer- Melzer is one of the most instantly likeable people I can think of. I am incredibly judgmental and typically don't like anybody when I first meet them, so it must mean something when I immediately took a liking to Jake Melzer. Melzer's carefree vibe and natural conversation skills make him one of the easiest people to get know and I can't think of anyone who has come away with a negative experience. I also have a huge basketball bias when I review people's character and it doesn't hurt that Melzer has a wicked post-up game.
Phil- Joel has described Phil as being some type of heavenly being disguised as a human. Phil defies all logic by being the most happy, upbeat person at all times. This seems counterintuitive since there are few things that Phil loves more than emo music, but I figure it's only a means to throw us off of Joel's theory. I believe that Joel is correct and that if we study Phil and the way he lives his life we will have a more proper view of the eternities.

Poor Choices By Joel Baer

2009-02-08T03:33:00.002-07:00

"No Secret Sauce"

Most Appetizing Animated Foods

2009-02-05T09:46:00.001-07:00

Fruit from the tree of life in the Book of Mormon cartoons. If salvation is half as good as that fruit looks this will all be worth it. Consider it Melzer.
Pizza from all dogs go to heaven. Charlie is a huge dick throughout the movie, but when he brings this delicious pizza to those homeless puppies all is forgiven.
Chicken (possibly turkey) leg from Sword in the Stone. I hate Wart, but that man knows how to savor a leg of meat.
Bread from Aladdin. There is a message in this too. When the homeless children eat the bread it is the most succulent bread known to man. However, when Abu (the monkey) refuses to share his bread with the children it's dry, crumbly and coarse. The lesson: share your food with the homeless or it will taste horrible.
Coke from polar bear commercials. The cuteness of the polar bears often distracts people from how perfect that coke is. Ice cold north pole coke and hanging out with polar bears was the basis for D&C 76.
Scooby-snacks. This cartoon food has led almost all children to try out dog food.
Pasta from Lady and the Tramp. Those meatballs and thick noodles are unbelievable on their own but add to it the romance that they end up creating and it's almost too much to handle.

I know that I am missing a ton. Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Indicators that a Conversation is Going Poorly

2009-02-03T17:46:00.003-07:00

"So where do you work again?"
"I'm so tired!"
"What's your major?"
"Can you believe the amount of homework we have this weekend. I hate (insert teacher's name)."
"I think Obama will be good for the country too."
"Yeah, I hear it's supposed to warm up this weekend."
"Could you see yourself loving me?"
"I think I've seen you on facebook."
"I LOVE Wes Anderson."
"Did you get that at Urban?"

Top Ten Worst Comedians

2009-02-03T11:26:00.003-07:00

I'm not technologically savvy enough, but it would be great if someone could put up some youtube clips of some of these guys best performances.
10. Michael Richards
Low Point: I think we all know this one. It rhymes with chiggers.
9. Jay Mohr.
Low Point: Hosting a next top comedian reality tv show and being the least funny person on it.
8. Kevin James
Low Point: The hilarious white guy, black guy dance exchange in Hitch. He's SO white!
7. Margaret Cho
Low Point: Bringing shame to an entire continent.
6. David Cross (Except for Tobias and the principal in She's the Man)
Low Point: His fresh, original George Bush material. We don't have enough political comedians.
5. Rosie O'Donnell
Low Point: Her entire life.
4. Tim Allen
Low Point: Ending every joke with a grunt. This might be his high point too, though
3. David Spade
Low Point: Is David Spade funny? Um, let me think about that....No. That is good comedy. Plus his style is great.
2. Carlos Mencia
Low Point: Any time he appears on television.
1. Kathy Griffin
Low Point: Making me physically ill every time I see her.

Top Five Meltdowns

2009-02-03T10:58:00.011-07:00

There are many different types of meltdowns, the two most frequent types being the uncontrollable laughter meltdown and the angry flip-out meltdown. Due to Christian Bale's recent rant on the set of Terminator Salvation I have decided to focus on the latter. (if you want to keep this blog to a PG-13 rating just don't click on the links below)

5. Jim Everett attacks Jim Rome for repeatedly referring to him as Chris Evert the female tennis player. Could have been staged but either way here is the one and only reason to like Jim Rome.

4. On the set of I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell and Lily Tomlin get into a small argument in front of the entire crew.

3. Chris Berman gets frustrated with his MNF crew.

2. Christian Bale loses all control and cusses out someone on the Terminator Salvation set. I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger warned Bale about how tough it is on your personal life to play a role in a Terminator movie, I guess Arnold was right.

1. Bill O'Reilly, just watch.

Here are a few honorable mentions.

Dennis Green

Bug swallow

Laces out

Top 10 Bailouts Even Our Birthday Boy Greg Mankiw Should Support

2009-02-03T00:09:00.018-07:00

10. Old Spice Original Scent- Mountain Rush? Ice Fields? Sports Smell? Fresh? Original scent was the scent of our fathers and our fathers' fathers. If it's good enough for Dan Barnes, it's pretty much good enough for the entire world. And most certainly worthy of Mankiw's endorsement.

9. Airline Food- People are flying all the time these days and the food on airplanes is terrible. It's about time we did something about this. The best solution is to start serving KFC mashed potatoes instead. This would be the single greatest bailout in history.

8. Kevin Costner- In Costner's Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves performance, he was the only actor NOT to attempt an english accent. It's that kind of brash leadership that we need to subsidize in our country. This guy deserves our tax dollars.

7. Non-Organic food- If non-organic fruits and vegetables fail, we will be relegated to buying fruits and vegetables with unrecognizable names from the health food stores and having to see all of those weird people who work there.

6. Myspace- This social networking page has been taken over by trashy teenagers, pedophiles and bad progressive rock bands. There is a reason people join facebook, it's to get away from these people.

5. Detroit Lions- I'm not sure there are any good reasons for bailing out this franchise other than the fact that the city of Detroit will most certainly see some grim days in the future.

4. Nickelback- These guys keep making really bad music and wearing really bad clothes and getting really bad haircuts. In this case perhaps we need to bail the world out from Nickelback.

3. Iceland- If Iceland collapses, we lose a couple of great bands, Sigur Ros and Bjork. Weird indie kids and depressed people everywhere would lose their minds.

2. The Liberty Tax service guy- When it's 10 degrees outside and snowing, this guy is dressed like the statue of liberty and gets paid $8.50 to wave at me while I'm on my way to work. He deserves a raise of about 8.25 billion dollars.

1. Count Chocula Cereal- The single greatest cereal ever made. It seems they tease us every couple of years and re-release this gem around halloween time. Economists and americans alike need to stand up for what's right and make this cereal available year round, every year.

Top 10 worst album covers for good albums

2009-02-02T22:59:00.004-07:00

10. Stone Temple Pilots - Core

Even if we get past the image, there's still the design of the band name to deal with.

9. Three-way tie: Guided by Voices - Bee Thousand, Alien Lanes, and Propeller

Turns out "lo-fi" isn't such a great idea when it comes to album art.

8. Tortoise - TNT

You know what they were going for, but it doesn't make it any more forgiveable.

7. Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

Even after you determine that the big black space isn't her hair, there's still no accounting for the weird pink margin.

6. The Roots - Game Theory

This is exactly why you don't come up with album cover concepts while high.

5. Hieroglyphics - Third Eye Vision

Cool font!

4. The Police - Outlandos D'Amour

Did Sting really need to be prettier?

3. Black Sabbath - Paranoid

Is anything about this done well?

2. Smashing Pumpkins - Gish

Have you ever been in a group photo where you look terrible and everyone else looks normal? The Smashing Pumpkins managed to get a photo where each of them looks the worst they have ever looked. Then they put it on their debut album.

1. Alice in Chains - Facelift

I had to fudge a little with this one, because I can't say it's a good album, or even that I've heard more than a couple songs, but I mean, holy crap.

Bonus: Broken Social Scene - You Forgot it in People (alternate cover)

This complete turd makes me even angrier because I can't get iTunes to use the much cooler real album cover.

Extra bonus: Radiohead - Pablo Honey

No, you're right, it's not a good album. But by comparison, the music's great.

Things People Do to Sound Cool but Are Really Lame

2009-02-01T23:04:00.006-07:00

Snowshoeing- This takes the fast paced, exciting hobby of walking and adds the element of freezing weather. Wealthy white people love it, and they always love really cool things.
Marathons- Marathons are for people who can't play sports. Any athlete knows that running is a means to get in shape for sports. Marathon runners aren't athletes so they decided to turn training into a sport itself. If your hand-eye coordination is poor and you can't move laterally very well, maybe you should just try to run in a straight line for as long as possible to compensate.
Ice Climbing- I've never done this but I hear that John Malfatto does it, so it must suck horribly.
Rock Climbing- People love doing this outdoor activity (sorry Catano, it's not a sport) because it leaves you feeling like you accomplished something, when in actuality you have spent a ton of money to get the same feeling as climbing a tree, which is free and childish.
Ocean Kayaking- This one is actually pretty fun, but it's not nearly as cool as people make it out to be. My dad always talks about kayaking loudly at church hoping others overhear him and think he's cool.

Joel's Review of the Sloppiest Humans

2009-01-31T23:11:00.003-07:00

Sloppy: adj.

1. Marked by a lack of neatness or order; untidy: a sloppy room.

2. Marked by a lack of care or precision; slipshod: sloppy use of language.

3. Informal Oversentimental; gushy.

Sloppy humans are everywhere. And in America, we have the privilege of seeing them daily- even hourly or several times per minute if you're in the right location. I'm not just talking about fat people either- skinny people can also be slobs (i.e. Larry David). However, it is true that fat people exhibit more signs of sloppiness. For example, if you were to use a bathroom stall and notice that the person in the stall next to you had substantially worn-down shoes on the outer edge of the sole, you could with 95% accuracy predict that they were sloppy fat without seeing anything other than the outside of their shoe. If that same person with the worn down outer soles released excessive flatulence while taking care of business, you could then predict with 100% confidence that it was in fact a sloppy fat person in the stall next door.

Actually, this "fart theory" extends to many other circumstances in which slobs make their presence known. Here's a scenario: you're in a classroom walking to an open desk, and during the walk you pass through a "fart cloud". Judging by the area the fart was smelled, you limit the possible culprits to 5 or 6 individuals in the area. However, your life experience has led you to believe that the fattest person of the suspects is in fact the guilty party. And in the (unlikely) event that there are no fat people, your unconscious mind automatically associates the fart with whoever is the sloppiest in appearance. You can be satisfied that you've solved the mystery without much work at all, because the clues were already there. Anyhow- this is all tangential to my purpose here: to identify the sloppiest humans as these 3 definitions apply (see above to link the appropriate definition to the appropriate human).

1) Eddie Argos- Singer of the highly entertaining band Art Brut. See here
The fact that he's British only adds to the likelihood that he's a slob, but Eddie takes it to the next level. When I saw them play live, he had completely pitted out his shirt within seconds of the first song. He also had bare feet on stage and had passed over the top of several loops while attempting to secure his belt. Honorable mention in this category goes to Chunk and Sloth from the Goonies. Also deserving a shout out here is Larry David. Note the baggy jackets, clownish shoes, and general unkempt appearance.

2) Ozzy Osbourne. Drugs can do awesome things to people. A close second in this definition of sloppy is Kevin Costner's haphazard, careless effort in Prince of Thieves. Have you ever seen an interview with Quentin Tarantino? There's a skinny slob who is notable for his lightning fast, lisp-ridden rants.

3) Bill Walton, who also happens to be the worst commentator of any of the major sports. His hyperbole ("Shaq has restored order to the Universe") is matched only by his talent at sloppy, unconscious farting while sleeping on airplanes*. Runner up in this category is Roger Ebert, who hasn't given a single thumbs down review since sometime during Reagan's second term.

What do we learn from this? Slobs are often mesh-short wearing eyesores, but they also enrich our lives in many ways. If not for slobs, we wouldn't have Crazy-Train, Seinfeld, or Pulp Fiction. So the next time you cringe as you catch wind of a stale fart, just remember that they can't help it- they're just expressing themselves.

*This statement is based on actual events

Horribly Regrettable Songs By Normally Dependable Artists

2009-01-31T02:12:00.005-07:00

"The Devil's Workday" Modest Mouse

Tom Waits can't wait to die so he can start rolling over in his grave. But who really cares about Tom Waits anyways?

"I Remember Nothing" Joy Division

If I woke up tomorrow and remembered nothing about this song it'd be a miracle.

"Dancing Choose" TV on the Radio

It quite amazingly gets worse EVERYTIME you hear it.

"My Body is a Cage" The Arcade Fire

I get it. It's still the worst album closer in a long while.

"Off The Record" My Morning Jacket

For the record, this song should have been left off the record.

"Pretty Good Looking For a Girl" The White Stripes

This song is pretty crappy, for a song.

"The Long and Winding Road" The Beatles

During this song McCartney hits an all time low, I dont even think Lennon ever wrote anything this bad.

"Hurricane" Bob Dylan

Doesn't Dylan know they already made a movie about this story? Well Denzel did make a movie which was almost as long as the song. Note: the movie was also an unbearably offbeat, rambling, incoherent injustice to my senses.

"Revelry" Kings of Leon

Dreaming of not being an asshole: Caleb Followill.

"Fame" David Bowie

This song is basically a nightmare.

"My Little Japanese Cigarette Case" Spoon

Maybe even more embarrassing for Britt Daniel than when he beatboxed through the whole of "Stay Don't Go."

"T.H.E.H.I.V.E.S." The Hives

G.O.A.W.A.Y.N.E.R.D.

"Under My Vodoo" Sublime

It's hard to fathom Sublime making anything but perfect music. But I discovered they sound better when they don't sound like RHCP. Then again, what band doesn't?

Bob thoroughly reviews Slumdog Millionaire

2009-01-29T15:08:00.002-07:00

Slumdog Millionaire is a fairy tale, and it’s a good one. The plot is organized around a novel and interesting concept: a former street urchin wins 10 million rupees on a game show and is forced to explain how he, despite a complete lack of education, knew all the answers. What follows is a retelling of his personal history that chronologically mirrors the questions he’s asked. For example, when asked how he, a Muslim, knew that the god Rama holds a bow in his right hand, he tells how he was orphaned when Hindu rioters killed his mother.

Slumdog Millionaire succeeds because it concentrates its strengths on what makes a good fairy tale: a treacherous setting, a virtuous protagonist, a damsel in distress, and a miraculous resolution. And, of course, fate, or a sense that the “happy ever after” ending (which surprises no one) occurs because of some supernal destiny. The happy ending is not just a boy and girl getting together; Jamal and Latika are stand-ins for the timeless prince and princess archetypes who are simply meant to be, reflecting some special universal harmony. The movie wastes no time introducing fate: the opening screen explains how Jamal knew all the answers: “It is written.”

The historical vignettes in which Jamal’s life unfold are compelling for a number of reasons. One is the Cain-Abel dynamic of Jamal’s relationship with his brother--Jamal’s innate virtue is thrust into relief by Salim’s entertaining mischief. Another is the repetitive losing of Latika, his True Love, due of course to circumstances outside of Jamal’s control. But the dangerous landscape of Jamal’s fairy tale is all the more threatening because of its basis in the reality of Indian poverty: orphans scavenge recyclable trash from dumps, singing beggar boys are blinded by their pimp-like masters in order to coax more generous donations, and policemen torture people with car batteries at the behest of media moguls.

But the viewer isn’t left to contemplate for very long the hopelessness of such situations. The plot places Jamal and Salim on a rapidly ascending escalator out of the slums. Their exploits as urchins are practically romanticized as they work their way from ersatz tour guides at the Taj Mahal to possibly-legitimate employment as dishwashers. By the end, these orphans are articulate, well-groomed, and well-mannered. Latika, who started the movie as a rather dark Indian-looking girl morphs into a refined, vaguely Anglo knockout with impeccable skin and a perfect smile.

The bait-and-switch of Indian “reality” will leave the conscientious viewer somewhat unsettled by the perfect ending and cheesy Bollywood dance number during the end credits. But I guess that’s what you get from watching a fairy tale.

Aside from its morally ambiguous tactics, the movie suffers flaws. A few of the movie’s plot twists feel a little too convenient, most notably Salim’s inexplicable change of heart, leading to his helping Latika reach Jamal. (Speaking of which, Salim’s jealousy of his brother’s companionship was terribly underutilized, functioning merely as a plot device and only hinting at a psychological depth that could have provided the movie a deeper footing.)

Overall, it’s a well-paced, engaging movie with an emotional punch. If it weren’t for its icky portrayal of slum life (or maybe because of it?), it might threaten to replace The Princess Bride on more than a few BYU bookshelves.

Top 5 C Blockers

2009-01-28T12:32:00.003-07:00

5. Collin Smith- Doesn't know when to leave a room. Especially Rory's upstairs room in the summer of '05.

4. Parents

3- Greg Smart- Same problem as Collin Smith. You can just proceed anyway though. He's cool with it.

2- Sean Heth- I'm playing catch up right now and he is doing everything to maintain his lead.

1- Tara Shields- Tara has never hooked any of us up with anyone and her constant jealousy makes her stop at nothing to sabotage any possibilities.

Biggest Falsehoods About Us

2009-01-27T12:28:00.008-07:00

In the spirit of Sean's getting to know the contributors, I feel it necessary to clear up some misunderstandings. Being that we are well known and looked up to in Provo it is only natural that people have started all sorts of rumors about us. This should clear up the biggest falsehoods about each of us.
1- Bobby is known by many as Bobby Lengthwise. Most assume he got this name because of his ability to swim the length of the Belmont pool in one breath. This however is simply not true. While Joel and myself easily made it across the pool in one try Bobby "Lengthwise" tried several times and only failed worse after every attempt. Side note: Sean's ex La Bamba attempted a widthwise swim, which is no more than twenty yards, across the pool and failed miserably. It is rumored that her inability to hold her breath was the cause of the break-up.
2. Joel Baer once held the hand of Dana Bowen on a car ride to Salt Lake City. There have been disputes for years about who initiated the hand hold. I wasn't there but I am confident that Dana was the one who took the lead. Dana is known to have very loose hands. Ask Collin Rothy.
3. Nate Barnes has assumed the nickname of Tomato over the past few years. People all over Provo and SLC assume that he is either a Vegan or that he uses tomatoes in some sexual manner. Neither is true. He simply eats a tomato based meal every day without fail.
4. Jake Melzer served his mission in Boston, Massachusetts. It has been rumored that he was a horrible missionary. Most people assume this because of Melzer's poor post-mission church attendance. I have talked to Melzer about his mission and it is pretty clear to me that Melzer was at least a mediocre missonary. His mission president wasn't fond of him, but his carefree, ultra-college vibe helped him win the hearts of several investigators and many lazy missionaries looking for a leader.
5. Sean and Tara have natural chemistry. People often say why don't they ever do something about it. Well, they have. Twice. This is actually where Tara's nickname derives from. After the makeout Sean told me that Tara's breath smelled like a river trout.
6. Many people question Phil's courage. This comes from a Havasupaii trip. There were about sixteen to twenty of us, half girls half guys. We found a spot about fifteen feet above a pool that was perfect for diving. Most of us guys dove head first into the water while the girls settled for a foot first dive. People say that Phil stood above the pool, nervously shaking for nearly fifteen minutes before jumping with his hand plugging his nose as a child would do for the entire decent. I was right there and this story is one hundred percent accurate. I don' know of any rumors about Phil.
7. As for myself, the biggest rumor about me is that I took a girl to a cabin nearly an hour away from Provo and when she rejected my attempts of making out in the hot tub I immediately forced her to drive us both back to Provo, yelling at her the whole way home. I never yelled at her. The rest is true.

10 Things You Should Know About the Minds Behind Review City, USA

2009-01-27T03:07:00.007-07:00

1. Chairman Mel is extremely jealous of Phil's ability to be Asian.

2. Phil is extremely jealous of Mel's ability to -----------------------.

3. At least 75% of Review City USA's contributers have tried to nail, have considered nailing, or have been nailed by Tara.

4. In 2007 Jake took Tara on a date to see then red-hot indie rock band Tapes n' Tapes. Of the date Jake said, "I don't know who's more overrated, Tara or the band!" Nevertheless, they remain great friends!

4. Baercat appreciates a good sauce. Whenever he dines at Del Taco he orders extra white sauce on all his items and even asks for extra on the side. It is rumored that he spikes his Cherry Coke with the white sauce, thereby making the most delicious soda/white sauce mixture known to man.

5. Jake Smart's first name is Richard. It'd be really funny if you started calling him Dick.

6. During No Wild Thing Weekend i was supposed to sleep in Wild Thing's bed. But Trent Mano and our very own Nate Housley were cuddling with my ex-girlfriend in said bed so I had to sleep in the band room.

7. Ferociousnate Barnes was once the lead singer of a band in Provo called The Otters. Because of his frontman status he bagged a bunch of chicks. When Baercat started his new band, The Protons, in Salt Lake City he demoted Nate to bassist and assumed the lead vocals role himself as a way to protect his dear friend and roommate from the markedly sluttier women of Salt Lake.

8. Jake and Joel Baercat once started an "Suck my D!*k" chant during a DMX song at a dance party in Provo. This infuriated Tara's ex-boyfriend Bardhi and that guy who has never been seen not dancing.

9. Sean and Jake recently spent an hour or so listing all the girls they had made out with. Jake wrote small and fit all his on one Post-It note. Sean wrote big and had to use several. It was agreed that they were both equally pathetic.

10. One day Chairmen Mel met his boss. That night-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

11. BONUS FACT. Chairmen Mel is closer to being a lesbian than anyone I have ever met, excepting my lesbian aunt and her lover. He wears sandals and Ezekiel shorts throughout winter. He loves girls. He blow dries his hair. Also, he's joining the Peace Corps and plans on buying a red Miata upon his return.

ferociously yours

2009-01-26T22:21:00.003-07:00

I am ferociousnate Barnes. I am currently employed at a premier market research / consulting firm based in Salt Lake City, UT. I get paid to critique, consult and analyze. This is why I am qualified to review all of the crap we are planning on reviewing on this blog.

My favorite color is green. My favorite vegetable is the tomato. I know how to use a vlookup. I’m the creator of the Jake Melzer fanclub. I am proficient with Stata 9. My favorite economist is Greg Mankiw. I’ve played Dungeon and dragons once and I’m somewhat reluctant to admit that I have played Magic: The Gathering many times.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where your opinion exists only due to a lack of, or bad information. It’s not your fault. In some ways, it’s our fault. Our purpose in starting this blog, is to help bring you the information you need to form correct opinions, and stop you from doing something really stupid, like trying to form opinions without Review City, USA.

My top ten albums in no particular order:

Ok Computer – Radiohead

London Calling – The Clash

Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd

Tonight's the Night – Neil Young

Highway 61 Revisited – Bob Dylan

IV – Led Zeppelin

Pinkerton - Weezer

Ramones – The Ramones

Is this it? – The Strokes

Youth and Young Manhood – The Kings of Leon

Queen T

2009-01-26T19:15:00.002-07:00

Hello People,

They call me the River Trout. Give me an instrument, I'll play the hell out of it. Give me a song, I'll review the hell out of it. I have perfect pitch and perfect taste and am pretty sure your opinions are wrong. My interests include, but are not limited to: roller skating, mariah carey, job interviewing, hugging, joking, laughing, snacking, 4th of july, movie commentary, dancing at harry o's but only in my dreams, plate tectonics, interneting, writing lists, law & order, electronic communication, saving animals, saving tahoe, family reunions, 90's R&B, R&D, critiquing, making decisions, and blogging.

My top 10 albums could still change, but for now, in no particular order:

Houses of the Holy - Led Zep
Moondance - Van Morrison
All Eyez on Me - 2pac
Rumours - Fleetwood Mac
The Lonesome Crowded West - Modest Mouse
It Was Written - Nas
The Queen is Dead - Smiths
Self Titled - Sublime
Thriller - MJ
Entertainment! - Gang of Four

Warmest Regards,
R.T.

Meet Joel

2009-01-26T18:16:00.003-07:00

My name is Joel Baer. I'm 26 years old and work for a plastic company. I graduated from Brigham Young University where I received a Bachelor's Degree in American Studies. This means that I am well qualified to study America. But it also means that I am well qualified to judge America with the sort of authority that can only be vested by a private, religiously-affiliated university.

My life is mostly a series of embarrassments and regrets lasting varying amounts of time- one always replacing another. My greatest regret thus far is that I am not taller. Second only to this regret is that I did not accept Stephanie Headly's offer to exclusively date in the 6th grade. She wore a poofy adidas jacket and basketball shoes, plus she was well connected and had hot friends. She was impregnated by a more developed suitor in the 8th grade and disappeared shortly thereafter.

Knowing these few things is the same as knowing me. And to know me is to love me.

Here are my Top Ten Favorite Albums:

Abbey Road- The Beatles

Blue Album- Weezer

Zenyatta Mondatta- Police

Nevermind- Nirvana

Surfer Rosa- Pixies

Birth of Soul- Ray Charles

The Clash- The Clash

Here's Little Richard- Little Richard

Aftermath- Rolling Stones

Pet Sounds- Beach Boys

Top 5 Figure Skating Jumps

2009-01-25T22:04:00.001-07:00

5. Double axel
4. Triple salchow
3. Triple lutz
2. Triple axel
1. Mazurka

Sean

2009-01-25T02:57:00.004-07:00

My name is Sean David Hetherington. My life is the shit. I wake at 11:30, watch TV for an hour, then get out of bed. I get dressed and go directly to the skatepark. Here I meet up with kids whom like to call me "Head" or "Blington." These kids have names like "Roastbeef" and Kottonmouth," and they're normally too stoned to skate for very long so we end up at McDonald's within an hour. We eat. We go back to the skatepark. By this time the local high school kids are at the park and it's crowded. Sometime we go skate somewhere else, sometimes we don't. Then I just come home and play FIFA 09 on World Class Difficulty. I never lose. When I do get close to losing I just reset my XBOX 360 before the loss can be recorded. Next, I look around my house for stuff I could return at Costco. If there is nothing worthwhile I go back to the skatepark and skate for an hour or so until it closes at 8. Everything I do after 8 PM is highly personal and hard for others to understand. Needless to say, I usually don't fall asleep until 4 AM, so i've had more than enough time to figure out how to make my top 10 album list look as cool as possible. It's not in order:

Led Zeppelin IV

Led Zeppelin II

Fugazi Repeater + 3 Songs

David Bowie Ziggy Stardust

The Kinks Village Green Preservation Society

Wu-Tang Clan Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

The Strokes Is This It?

Interpol Turn on the Bright

The Rolling Stones Aftermath

Three Mile Pilot Another Sea, Another Desert

Phil

2009-01-24T17:25:00.002-07:00

I'm Phil. This is my second attempt at a bio. As you can see below, i LOVE emo. I also love these things: the South, old people, zoning out in front of the television, tennis, 5 inch tall flip flops and retelling jokes. I also become a girl as soon as i get in water, or if i reach an elevation of over ten feet, excluding planes.

Jimmy eat world – clarity
Low- things we lost in the fire
Get up kids- four minute mile
Mountain goats- all hail west texas
Explosions in the sky- the earth is not a cold dead place
Saves the day- through being cool
Smashing pumpkins – meloncollie and the infinite sadness
Neutral milk hotel- aeroplane over the sea
Built to spill- there’s nothing wrong with love
At the drive-in- relationship of command

Jake

2009-01-24T14:43:00.003-07:00

Hello,
My name is Jake Smart. I am also a graduate from BYU. I majored in history. I currently am a caterer and potential substitute teacher. Unlike Chairman Mel I don't live with my parents, but I do live in their condo at Park City. Equally pathetic. I have reviewed music for about a year. I play drums on the expert level for most songs on Rock Band and Rock Band 2 so I think you could say I'm qualified to review music.
Here is my Top Ten of all time. They sum up my favorite records from each era of music I have been through. Here they are in no particular order, other than somewhat chronological.

Nirvana- Nevermind
Smashing Pumpkins- Siamese Dream
Weezer- Blue Album
Jimmy Eat World- Clarity
The Get Up Kids- Something to Write Home About
Modest Mouse- The Lonesome Crowded West
Modest Mouse- The Moon and Antarctica
Built to Spill- Keep it Like a Secret
Wolf Parade- Apologies to the Queen Mary
TV on the Radio- Return to Cookie Mountain

Bob

2009-01-24T14:17:00.002-07:00

I'm Bobby Housley. I'm a graduate of Brigham Young University and an organizer for the Public Interest Research Group in Michigan. My hobbies include wasting time on bullshit. I'm qualified to review music because I've listened to music my whole life and I've played guitar for 14 years. Beat that, internet.

My top ten favorite albums, in no particular order:

Sun Kil Moon: Ghosts of the Great Highway
My Bloody Valentine: Loveless
Death Cab for Cutie: We have the Facts and We're Voting Yes
Mogwai: Rock Action
Jimmy Eat World: Clarity
Guided by Voices: Alien Lanes
Modest Mouse: Moon and Antarctica
Radiohead: In Rainbows
Stereolab: Cobra and Phases Group Play Voltage in the Milky Night
Postal Service: Give Up

by Bobby Housley